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NAVIGATION

I'm sorry, but... I can't go with you. It's my friends--they need me. And I need them, too.

APPLICATION
THREAD TRACKER
IC DIARY
LETTERS
HOW'S MY DRIVING
profile codes
ceded: (neutral » ᴛʜᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ)
ARRIVAL:
mingle top level (friday)

WEEK ONE:
mingle top level (all week)

harry (wednesday)
riku (wedneday)
yuna (friday)
shinnosuke (friday)
jason (friday)
hannibal (saturday)
claire (saturday)
sei (saturday)
chane (saturday)
riku (sunday)
natalie (sunday)
sei, higekiri (sunday)


WEEK TWO:
mingle top level (all week until thursday midday)
A THING (with shinnosuke) (thursday afternoon)
camera discussion (thursday night)
at the execution (sunday)

jason (wednesday)
will, hannibal (thursday)
noctis (friday)
shinnosuke (saturday)
harry (saturday)
chane (saturday)
sei (sunday)


WEEK THREE:
mingle top level (all week until thursday midday)
milla's announcement (wednesday (evening))
finding natalie (thursday (afternoon))
finding rIKU'S HEAD, THANKS SQUEE (friday (morning))
saying goodbye (with tarvek) (saturday (evening))

hannibal (monday)
tarvek (monday)
claire (wednesday (morning))
natalie, hannibal (thursday (morning))
will (thursday)
natalie (friday)
shinnosuke (friday)
noctis (friday)
jason (friday)
percy (late friday/early saturday)
hannibal (saturday)
natalie (sunday)
percy (sunday)
shinnosuke (sunday)
damian (sunday)
yuna (sunday)


WEEK FOUR:
a horse (monday)
breaking into a store (milla, others) (wednesday)
shinnosuke in the stocks (thursday)
letters (thursday)
investigation (friday)

milla (monday)
ash (monday)
jason (monday)
shinnosuke (monday)
hannibal (tuesday)
sheriff hal (tuesday)
percy (tuesday)
harry (tuesday)
hannibal (wednesday)
claire, chane (wednesday)
jason, milla (wednesday)
harry (wednesday)
percy (wednesday)
natalie (wednesday)
percy (friday)
damian (friday)
shinnosuke (friday)
shinnosuke (sunday)


WEEK FIVE:
one, two, three, four (monday/tuesday)
god dammit sei (wednesday (evening))

barnham (monday)
russell (tuesday)
percy (wednesday (morning))
noctis (wednesday)
felix (wednesday)
jason, natalie (wednesday (night))
hannibal (thursday)
shinnosuke (thursday)
milla (friday)
natalie (friday)
felix (friday)
percy (saturday)
shinnosuke (saturday)
jason (saturday)


WEEK SIX:
mingle top level (monday-tuesday)

percy (monday)
shinnosuke (monday)
ash (tuesday)
percy (wednesday)
shinnosuke, percy (thursday)


Note: threads are roughly in chronological order per week and per day.
ceded: (surprised » ɪ'ᴍ ᴅʀᴇᴀᴍɪɴɢ)
ARRIVAL
friday | saturday | sunday

WEEK ONE
monday | tuesday | wednesday | thursday | friday | saturday | sunday

WEEK TWO
monday | tuesday | wednesday | thursday | friday | saturday | sunday

WEEK THREE
monday | tuesday | wednesday | thursday | friday | saturday | sunday

WEEK FOUR
monday | tuesday | wednesday | thursday | friday | saturday | sunday

WEEK FIVE
monday | tuesday | wednesday | thursday | friday | saturday | sunday

WEEK SIX
monday | tuesday | wednesday | thursday

Note: each day's header is written for clarity when browsing. All Xion ICly did was write the name of the day. Any instances in the diary of blocked out names (███) are instances Xion took the time to black out herself, at some point. Tucked into the pages of this diary is a bookmark.


Read more... )
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I don’t know if you’ll keep this letter. I don’t even know if you’ll really be able to bring it with you. But just once, I wanted to put down how I feel in words. You’ll say I’m being stupid, and ... I know. I don’t expect you to feel the same way for me. And that’s okay. Really! I guess I just wanted you to know, before the end.

For a long time I didn’t even think I was capable of love, not in the romantic way. Hannibal and Will tried to explain it to me once. (Ugh.) And of course, there was Chane and Felix. But I think the person who really helped me understand it most, in the end, was Percy. He told me how he felt about Annabeth, and listening to him describe her was amazing. At the time, I was sure something like that would never be a thing I could really feel. I didn’t think a little puppet like me would be capable of feeling something so amazing and powerful.

Actually, do you want to know where all this started? Don’t laugh. (Or ... um, feel bad, I guess.) I talked to Felix about it one time, and he told me he and Chane were enemies when they first met. It made me think of you. Not that I ever believed we were enemies! (Even if you were really awful to me that one time.) I guess at the time I just wasn’t really sure if we were friends, either, since you kept trying to push me away. But after that, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I guess I should really just say it, huh? Instead of putting it off forever.

I love you, Shinnosuke. I know I’ve never felt about anyone the things I feel about you. It’s kind of scary! And strange. Sometimes it makes my chest hurt. You kept trying to tell me I was just confused and tired, but I knew how I felt. Despite everything we’ve been through, that hasn’t changed. If anything, I’m even more sure than I was before, because now I know for sure you really were fighting as hard as you could to do the right thing all along. I always believed that, but it’s nice to have confirmation.

To be really honest, I don’t know if I’d say I was really in love with you or something like that. Those don’t seem like the right words. But I don’t love you just as a friend, either. Maybe I just don’t really know the right words to describe it.

You always talk about how you’re not a good person. But I’ve never thought that was true. You’re mean sometimes, and you try so hard to keep everyone away from you. But actually, you’re pretty amazing. At least, you are to me. Whether you want to admit it or not, you always want to help people. You keep a level head even in the worst situations, and you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. You’re brave and capable, and even if you don’t want to be, you’re the kind of person other people rely on. Even if I didn’t have these feelings for you, I’d still really admire you. You’re a really special person. You’re a better person than you think you are, too. Hehe, honestly, you’re actually pretty bad at being mean, too. It’s easy to see right through you and know how you really feel.

I wouldn’t love just any old jerk, you know!

I know you have a dream, to save your sister. And you know, I really believe you’ll do it. Because it’s you! There’s no way you’ll fail. You’ll never give up, and you’ll get her back someday.

I’m really, really going to miss you. The thought of never seeing you again is probably one of the most painful things I’ve ever felt. Joking about stupid things, or making plans together, or whatever we’d talk about... I don’t want to let go of that. But that’s just me being really selfish. I know you’ll tell me it’s my own fault for getting so attached. I know it is. But I don’t regret a single second of the time I spent with you, no matter how scary or painful it was, and no matter how much I’ll end up missing you because of it. I’d much rather have gotten to be close to you and stay by your side for these few weeks than never have known you at all. I think I’m probably a better person now because I met you.

I want you to be happy, Shinnosuke. I want to see you build a world where you and your sister can smile. If anyone can do it, it’s you.

You might think it's a bad idea, but I meant what I said about wanting to try and find your world someday, no matter how long it takes me. I want to find you in it, and throw my arms around you in a big hug. You’ll act like you hate it, but you’ll still let me do it. I’ll laugh when you get all sarcastic and huffy, and it’ll be the best.

There’s nothing you can’t do if you really set your mind to it, Shinnosuke. Just remember that no matter how big of a jerk you are, someone will be there for you that loves you, and you should rely on them at least a little. Deep down, I know you don’t want to be alone, and you don’t have to be.

We’ll always be in each other’s hearts. (Not that way, at least for you, don’t make that face.) Even if we’re worlds apart, we’ll be connected to each other in our memories. So no matter how far apart we really are, you'll always be with me, and I'll be with you.

I really love you. Never, ever stop fighting. Live.

-Xion
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I don’t know if I can face you again. Maybe it’s cheap of me to give you a letter like this, but I don’t know if I can talk to you anymore. It hurts.

Since we spoke in the dining car, I’ve been thinking a lot about everything that happened. All those times you were there for me. Everything you ever did to help me, and make me want to live. The fact that you kept all my secrets, at least as far as it mattered to me. Do you know why I started to suspect something was wrong about the things you’d said to me? It was because Felix told me the same thing after his trial. He told me to do what I had to to survive. It sounded so much like the things you had told me that I was really freaked out, for a while. I kept telling myself it was a coincidence, because you could never be like that.

I don’t understand you. And that’s my fault. I’ve barely known many people, and I haven’t been alive long at all compared to the rest of you. So maybe it really wasn’t fair of me to tell you that you didn’t care about me. I think you were telling the truth.

It’s so hard to figure it all out in my head. I’ve never met anyone like you before. I hope I never meet anyone like you ever again.

For a while, I actually wished you were my real family. The family I never had. Thinking about the times we talked makes me want to cry. I probably shouldn’t tell you that, because you might just find it funny. I don’t really know. But if you didn’t care about other people, you wouldn’t be so devoted to Will. I don’t know what you did to him, but you definitely care about him. That much is obvious. So maybe you cared about me, too.

I loved you for everything that you were to me. And in the end, I really am grateful for what you said. I don’t know if I would have decided to live my own life without your help, but the fact is that you did help me, and here I am. But I loved you for who I thought you were, and who I thought you were was never real.

Did I ever tell you I have the ability to travel between worlds? I can’t remember if I did. But it’s one of my powers. Once this is all over, I’ll be able to go anywhere I want, for real. I don’t think I want to find your world. The chances that I might end up there without already knowing where it is are pretty slim. But there was something I wanted to tell you that I think you might appreciate.

If I ever found your world, and if I ever found you and Will again, I’d kill both of you with my bare hands. That’s a promise, Hannibal. Maybe then I’d finally understand what it was like to have blood on my hands.

Please take care of yourself. In a weird way, I still want you to be happy. Will, too. Though, at the same time, it scares me to think about what happiness might mean for you.

I’ll never, ever forget you.

-Xion

PS: Will, I'm sorry.
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[ As soon as she hears the news, she feels a chill seep into her bones.

Damian. Damian is in the stocks.

What happened? Did a secret slip somehow? Did the Deputy find out who he was and is now targeting him directly? What'll happen if Damian...

It's with these questions and many more boiling under her skin that Xion goes to find two people. Once she's got one boy, she'll pretty much just drag him around without really explaining till she finds the other. And when she does, she'll make sure they end up somewhere relatively private, alone, before turning to them and going: ]


He got Damian! [ with just a hint of breathless panic. ] What are we going to do?
ceded: (touched » ɪ’ᴍ ᴘʟᴇᴀsᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴇᴇᴛ ʏᴏᴜ)
Jason & Natalie,

Natalie, I just wanted to tell you I'm really sorry I broke my promise. You'll have to save everyone for me, okay? You and Jason, and everyone else. Please don't cry. I'm not really gone. I'm still with you guys, cheering you on! You're one of the best friends I've ever had, so there's no way I'll let you go this easily. Someday we'll find a new home, together, someplace we really love! We're tough, remember? You can do it. Keep an eye on Jason.

Jason, thank you. You're a really wonderful person, even if you're also kind of an idiot. Take care of yourself, you big dummy. Look after Percy and Natalie, and tell Percy I said they could punch you (at the same time!!) if you don't take care of yourself, or do something really stupid again. (You're reading this too, Natalie, so don't let him forget it!)

I love you guys. Don't give up. I know you can win!

Natalie, there's a flute under Tarvek's bed in my old room. The Sheriff made it for me. I want you to have it. Please take care of it till I see you again, okay?

-Xion
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Shinnosuke,

I hope Percy is the one reading this letter to you. I asked him if he would. (Sorry, Percy!) If he's reading it, then that means I'm dead. Someone killed me, or I got executed for killing someone else. I don't think I'd make a very good Bandit, though. We both know that by now, don't we? I wouldn't be able to do it, and I'd just make a big mess for everyone else. I'm pretty good at that, huh?

But every time I have, you've been there for me. From the very beginning, in a way. I don't think I realized how much I was relying on you till it was too late, and I couldn't picture my life without you anymore. Someone told me I should tell you how I felt, but it never seemed very fair, so I kept it to myself. Somehow I think you knew anyway, though. That's okay. Like I said before, all I ever really wanted was to walk beside you. I'm glad I got to, for as long as I did.

Don't be sad, Shinnosuke. You'll see me again soon, after you and Percy and everyone else win this game. I know that if the two of you work together, you'll make everything alright. You should tell him all about what we were working on, okay? In the meantime, I'll be cheering for you guys, even if you can't see me! I'll write you letters, so you better not mess up. Don't you dare even think about giving in. You might be a big jerk and an idiot and really frustrating ... but you're also a really good, kind person, someone smart and capable and really strong who tells the absolute worst jokes, and I'm really glad I got to meet you. Don't let me down!

Live. Live till the end of this game, and come get me. I'll be waiting for you, okay?

Don't give up. I know you can do this.

I'll see you when this is all over. I'll give you a really big hug, and you'll pretend you hate it, but you'll let me. I hope when that happens, I can see you really smile.

I'm going to tell you something someone really important once told me. "Keep moving forward and never look back. You have something worth struggling for."

Um–

[a couple different things are crossed out. written rather sloppily, as if in haste:]

I love you!

-Xion

[there's a little drawing. it's very simple: just two stick figures side by side holding hands. one is frowning cartoonishly, and the other has a big grin. other little details, like a crutch with the latter and a sword on the former, will make it clear who is who. written in parentheses beside it:

(You don't have to tell him I drew this, Percy. But it might be kinda funny if you tried.)]
ceded: (touched » ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇ sᴜɴ)
Percy,

Sometimes I think all I ever did all this time was make things harder on you. You're a really stubborn person, you know that? Even when I tried to take care of you, you wouldn't let me. I'm really sorry about all the times I tried to argue with you, and about that one time I yelled at you, even if I already apologized for that. I'm sure you already know why I did what I did, so I won't try to explain it. Just remember that you're not alone, okay? Even if I'm not there, I hope the others still are. I know whoever is left will support you, so lean on other people sometimes! They want you to.

I really want to make it all the way to the end, but I decided to write these letters just in case. If you're reading this, something happened to me after all. I'm sorry. I didn't want you to ever have to read something like this. If I have to go, then this is the least I can do for you. There's so much I need to tell you.

The fact that you're reading this now must mean someone found my diary and all my notes and letters. Whoever found all of it, tell them I said you can read my diary too, if you want. Also, I want you to have my walking stick. I know I don't use it anymore, but Riku made it for me. If anyone should have it, it's you.

All I ever wanted this whole game was to save everyone. Now I can't live up to that responsibility, so I need you and everyone else
[the "and everyone else" is underlined several times] to do it for me, okay? I know you can win. Even without more killing! Make my death, and anyone who died with me, the last.

You shouldn't be sad! I'll be watching, and if you get sad I'll kick your butt when you guys come save all of us!

You're an amazing person, Percy. You're brave and strong and kind and smart! I hope someday I can be just like you. I've never had a family, but if I did, I wish you could be part of it.

If you somehow find this letter before my trial, please tell everyone... I'm sorry I couldn't make it till the end, and I'll miss them, but you guys have to do your best! I believe in each and every one of you (even you, Ash.), and I know you guys can do it. I'll be cheering for you all the way, no matter what! I guess I'm just sad that I can't be there with you all.
[here the paper is stained with a few drops of water, but she goes on through them like they're not there.] But it's okay! We'll all see each other soon.

Please take care of yourself, Percy. Remember that you need to sleep more than once a week. Tell Jason I said he can punch you if you keep trying to do it all on your own.

I'll give Annabeth a hug for you, okay?

Everyone needs you, Percy. But something tells me you need them just as much. Work together, and be strong. I'll see you when this is all over, and maybe we can get ice cream together.

[she draws a little flower. it's not a great drawing, looking almost like a child's sketch, but Percy might notice it looks a lot like the flowers the two of them picked for annabeth and riku's graves.]

-Xion

(PS. Please don't read my diary to Shinnosuke. I wrote some, um, embarrassing stuff, and I really don't want him to know!!)

(PPS. Please read him my letter to him, though. I don't want anyone else to do it.)

(PPPS. Thank you. For everything. For being my friend, and even for trying to take care of me, even if I pushed back sometimes. I don't know what I would've done without you. Never forget that your friends love you.)


[ there's a bit of a break. the note that's added after was pretty clearly done some time later. ]

I hope you make it. I really hope you make it. If Damian doesn't, keep the letter meant for him.
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Damian,

I want you to have all my things. My diary, my notes and letters, all of it. I hope at least something in all of that stuff is useful to you, even just a little bit. I'm sorry I was never able to do more.

You know, when you first came to talk to me, I didn't really know what to think of you. You're even younger than me, but you seem so much older. Actually, you kind of scare me a little. Maybe scare isn't the right word, but I don't think I could ever handle this game the way you have. If anyone can win and send everyone home where they belong, it's you, Damian. I really believe you can do it. You and Percy and everyone else!

Just ... remember that people care about you too, okay? You seem to take a lot on yourself. You're not alone, so work with everyone, okay?

I'll try and send you a letter soon. Until then, be careful. Stick with Percy and Shinnosuke.

Take care of Papika!

-Xion

PS. I had a bunch of things I was hiding. Riku's sword and Nui's parasol were under Tarvek's mattress. I also have Felix's whistle, and Tarvek's pocket watch. I don't care at all about Nui's stupid parasol, but could you keep the rest of it for me? I wanted to hold on to all of it for them, but ... looks like I'll need someone else to do it for me.

Oh, and ... the bookmark that Yuna made me. Please keep it safe. It should be with my diary.
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[ If only she'd realized, from the very beginning, how long this conversation was coming.

Then again, if they'd known then what they all know now, the game would be a very different place. There might not be a game at all.

The Sheriff got what he wanted from them all. A fine show.

These are bitter thoughts to ruminate on first thing Wednesday morning. There's something coming today, more likely than not, she's not so stupid she can't recognize patterns. However, she is trying not to think about it right now. Right now, it is late morning, and she is making pancakes, because she wanted to try making pancakes.

She feels a little uncomfortable in the kitchen, suddenly, for reasons she also does not want to think about. Not yet.

It's only Percy Actual Jackson stumbling into the room in PJs looking half dead that gets her to snap out of her reverie, and just kinda.

Stare.

At him. ]


.... morning, Percy.

[ Assuming he. Just woke up. ]
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[ As she'll do most of this week, she spends most of this day in the kitchen. Sticking with the theme of soup and soup-related items, as has been her wont, today she seems to be working on some kind of pasta. Pluto is with her, dozing curled up on the floor safely out of her way.

At least, until Percy comes wandering in. She'll look up, quietly nervous at his appearance but ready to try a smile, and then .... actually takes him in. Whatever she sees makes her expression blank out into surprise. ]


... hey, Percy. [ Gentle, with a slight furrow in her brow. ] ... why don't you sit down? I was about to make something.
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[ As promised, she'll find him. It's one of her few breaks from either the kitchen or the graveyard today. She's been keeping to herself a lot, though not exactly avoiding people; just ... not going out of her way to find them.

Except, of course, for Shinnosuke. He's become the exception to a lot of things in her life.

She'll wear a smile when she finds him, little though he'll be able to see it, but maybe he can hear it in her voice. Before she even speaks, he'll know her by the now-familiar way she takes his sleeve. ]


Shinnosuke, hey. Are you busy?
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[ This was a mistake. It was. She should never have offered. She should never have done this.

She can't do it.

It's with all her panic burning just beneath the surface of her skin that she's heading for the hotel, and sees...

... no, no. She can't. She told him. He knows her conviction. He's the only person she's told about her commitment to playing the game.

But... but she--

she keeps seeing

felix's head ]


Shinnosuke?

[ her voice shivers. ]
ceded: (worried » ᴀɴᴅ ᴍʏ ғᴇᴇᴛ)
[ She's frustrated when she doesn't find him the first time.

But she doesn't give up.

After searching the town - and there is just so much blood, everywhere - she turns up empty handed, and with reluctance returns to the hotel. There are other people she has to speak to, anyway.

It's after midnight that she comes back. Largely confident that no one will hear her now, she'll even start softly calling his name. ]


Felix? Felix!

[ She can't give up. She can't. He has to be around here somewhere.

All she really has to navigate is the ambient light of the moon, and it makes her slow and cautious. When she arrives at the Railroad Station, she pauses to take a break. ]


Where could he be...?
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[ Tired is starting to feel like such an inadequate word for how she feels all the time.

Sunset on Thursday finds her sitting on the porch of the hotel, bracing the heels of her palms on the wood beneath her and staring up at the sky. Watching blue slowly fade into purple and orange reminds her of...

... long ago times, that she'll never have again.

It's nicer to while away the time out here than it is inside. She always gets caught up in her own head when she stays in the hotel lounge, her thoughts chasing themselves in increasingly nasty circles and haunted by images she can't forget burned into the backs of her eyelids. Out here, with a faint breeze stirring her hair, she feels more ... peaceful.

What she isn't expecting is...

... ...

Really, it's probably not a good thing she's gotten so attached.

But she'll smile anyway, even if he can't see it, when he approaches. ]


Hey, Shinnosuke.

[ She's not ... like, cheerful. Honestly, she hasn't been that way in a long while. But this is ... the best she can do, you know? ]
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[ Well.

.... well.

Xion's got a lot on her mind when she seeks out Percy. She's made a decision - and given what she knows, or she thinks she knows, she wants Percy to know it, too. Besides, maybe he can ... help her, too. Maybe he knows things she doesn't.

So it's with a sense of purpose that she finds him, and doesn't really waste any time on preamble. ]


Hey, Percy? Can we talk?
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[ There are a number of normal places one might find Hannibal Lecter in the town of whole ass. He's a fairly dependable sort of man, with a routine and things he likes to do. These are small things Xion has learned about him over the weeks she's spent getting to know him.

Which makes the kitchen the very first place she tries, since it's in the hotel. She doesn't find him there, to her mild surprise, so off she sets.

The third place she tries - the clinic - nets her what she was looking for. Xion will tilt her head as she hobbles in on her trusty crutches, the look in her eyes thoughtful, even if her expression is otherwise, well, blank. ]


Are you preparing for something?

[ ... hi, by the way. ]
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[ Her roommate is missing.

Her second roommate is missing.

Given what happened to her first, you can imagine her feelings when Natalie, with no prior warning, doesn't come back that night.

It's Wednesday, so there's no guarantee it's a kill, but worry still claws at her insides as she makes her way out of the hotel after a thorough search. Maybe she should get someone to come with her, but again, theoretically there shouldn't be any danger in going out on a Wednesday night.

Then again, Sei shouldn't have died today. The universe works in mysterious ways.

It takes her a while to search the stores, given that she just has to hobble between them. The place she isn't expecting to actually find something is the Saloon, a place she never ever goes because what's the point?

The point, apparently, is finding Natalie and Jason passed out on the floor, and also soaking wet??

At the very least, Xion manages not to fall on her face in her haste to get to them, but she will drop to the floor anyway and slightly jostle her broken leg. Oh well. ]


Jason! Natalie!
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[ After Shinnosuke and Xion make their announcement, Xion, for what it's worth, does seem to make the executive decision to go, you know ... clean up. She's still covered in dirt and blood and despite ... everything, the practicality of no longer being disgusting seems to win out. She'll end up disappearing for a while, maybe in no small part because she isn't even really sure how to function right now, much less around other people.

Not too long later she'll be freshly clean and back in the hotel lounge, curled up in a chair and just ... staring at nothing. Not reading, not talking to anyone, not petting Pluto (though he does lie at her feet) ... just ... staring, unseeing, at a wall.

Despite appearances, though, it seems she is actually paying attention to her surroundings. It's why she'll say, as Noctis approaches: ]


Noctis.

[ ... and nothing more, her voice stripped of inflection. ]