[week five - wednesday]

[ceded]

[ After Shinnosuke and Xion make their announcement, Xion, for what it's worth, does seem to make the executive decision to go, you know ... clean up. She's still covered in dirt and blood and despite ... everything, the practicality of no longer being disgusting seems to win out. She'll end up disappearing for a while, maybe in no small part because she isn't even really sure how to function right now, much less around other people.

Not too long later she'll be freshly clean and back in the hotel lounge, curled up in a chair and just ... staring at nothing. Not reading, not talking to anyone, not petting Pluto (though he does lie at her feet) ... just ... staring, unseeing, at a wall.

Despite appearances, though, it seems she is actually paying attention to her surroundings. It's why she'll say, as Noctis approaches: ]

Noctis.

[ ... and nothing more, her voice stripped of inflection. ]

Comments

[elemancy]

[it's not like noct feels great about this.

getting the news that sei was dead still cuts deep, even if he knows they weren't as well acquainted as plenty of others may have been. but every life lost to this place is just hurtful; really, only someone who was completely unfeeling wouldn't be at least marginally affected by now, he thinks.

really, he isn't even sure what he's doing with his time. the lounge seems like a good place to go because it's at least quiet; he doesn't really expect company, but when he sees xion there, he doesn't turn away, either. she has to be taking this hard, and remembering how she was after riku's death—noctis doesn't really have it in him to turn away.]

...Hey. [he's quiet, and definitely somber in tone—there's little way to be anything but downtrodden at a time like this. but he takes a seat in the nearest chair to her, immediately leaning forward in it, hands clasped as they hang over the gap between his knees and head dipped. he sighs, heavy and troubled.

he's not sure what to say to her. "are you okay," isn't enough (she's not okay), and noct doesn't have the words he wants.

why is this so hard? isn't it supposed to get easier? shouldn't he be getting better at helping the friends around him who are suffering most?]

Um... [#nailedit

or more like

#hetried]

[ceded]

[ His hesitancy actually gets her to look up at him, and her bone weariness is evident in her eyes. She can still feel Sei's blood on her skin, and that just makes her think of Riku's blood, and-- ]

Do you... want to sit?

[ The words come out before she can really think about them. She feels this weird urge to make him feel at ease, even though she's the one who had a friend die in her arms today. ]

I'm...

[ She's what? ]

I'm tired, [ she goes on, senselessly, ] but I'm okay.

[elemancy]

[the first part of that hardly needs any response, since he's kind of doing that on his own.

of course, he really also doesn't think she needs to be the one trying to set him at ease. the only reason he's even struggling, truly, is because he doesn't want to poke the bear and make things worse.

but all the same, his honesty shines through as ever.]

...Are any of us really "okay" anymore?

[ceded]

.... no, [ she says softly, after a pause. ] I don't think we are. But I'm learning there's a difference between "okay" enough to keep going, and actually being okay.

[ Xion will tilt her head back and shut her eyes, tucking her arms in as if she can make herself a smaller target. ]

I think the first one is where I've been for a while.

[elemancy]

Well... I can't argue that.

[not even a little. he doesn't look up, eyes trained on his hands as he lets out a quiet sigh.]

I knew all about that before I ever got here. [noct hasn't been okay for a long time at this point. months.]

Just... don't forget what I said before.

[ceded]

[ The look she gives him is at once sad and thoughtful. ]

I won't.

[ She pauses for a moment, and then says: ]

Noctis, how much have you thought about ... the game? How it works, or what it means to play it.

[elemancy]

Better question would probably be "how much have I thought about other stuff" lately.

[he answers her honestly—he's been thinking about this all the time. it's really hard not to, in his opinion.]

[ceded]

... yeah. Me too.

[ Her hands fold in her lap and she stares down at them. ]

I keep thinking about how much we don't know. Like why this world seems so static, or who or what sets up the traps in all the stores, or what's down in the mines. Not to mention all the roles we still haven't figured out. There's just so much to think about, so much we still have to solve before the end.

[elemancy]

[noct is full of sighs, drawing in a breath before letting another out; it's heavy and undoubtedly weighted.]

Yeah. There's still a lot that nobody seems to know yet. [he shrugs vaguely, though whether it's for her to see or just at himself—well, that even he's not sure of.] Guess we'll have to just keep looking for answers.

[ceded]

How?

[ frustration surfaces in her, though it isn't loud. it's there, tucked beneath the surface of her words, making them tense. ]

How can we find answers when ... you don't even know if you can trust your friends enough to tell them what you know?

[elemancy]

You're asking the wrong guy. I'm not good at this kind of thing anyway...

[how can he give her an answer when he doesn't have one?] Figuring that kind of stuff out. People's secrets, things like that.

[trust doesn't come easily for him either, it's really difficult for it to after some of the things he's experienced. he knows he's bad at this too—be a supportive friend, having the answers...

it's frustrating for him, and noct finds himself sitting back in his seat, fixing his gaze at the ceiling.]

[ceded]

... me either. [ With soft, sympathetic solidarity. ] I always feel like ... I'm in the dark. Like there's something I'm just not getting.

[ .... ]

Noctis, do you have a role?

[elemancy]

[he quirks a brow a her—honestly, her blunt approach should probably be refreshing, but it's a bit alarming. nobody's ever asked him something like that with no filter at all—he's always had to play a guessing game of whether or not they were trying to goad something out of him.

but he just sighs, shaking his head.]

You think I'd still be looking for that many answers if I had one?

[he thought he was pretty clear that... well, he's pretty out of the loop about things.]

[ceded]

[ Probably, maybe, she should be more strategic about these questions that she asks. But it's not really in her to try and manipulate or lie or tease out an answer like that. She wouldn't begin to really know how to do it. So she just asks, and sees what happens, and maybe someday that method will catch up with her.

She just watches him for a moment, then just kind of slowly shakes her head. ]

It's not that I suspect you. It's just ... that it's hard to know, isn't it? No matter how much you love or believe in your friends... in this place, we're all being forced into something we don't want to do.

[elemancy]

...That's a two way street, you know.

[he responds quietly. he gets that she's young and probably doesn't realize it, but... maybe someone needs to tell her.]

Asking people something like that, in that way. It comes off like you don't trust your own friends.

[which in turn, breaks the trust going the other way in situations as precarious as what they deal with in this city.] If they're your friends... just believe in them. Believe in what they stand for.

[he's just saying.] There probably are... people with roles that are your friend. Same for me, the odds just look like it. Just... try believing in that they'll do the right thing.

We all need all the trust we can get right now, role or no role.

[ceded]

[ This time she's quieter for longer, her eyes still searching his face, as if she'll find some other answer there. In the end, she looks down at her lap. ]

I'm sorry, [ she breathes. ] It's like ... I don't know how to figure it out. I want to trust my friends, but there's still all the killers we never caught. We don't have any idea who they could be. It feels like people are dying... every day.

[ She can still feel Sei's blood on her hands, even though there is none there. ]

How do you ... balance between them?

[elemancy]

I... don't. Not really.

[it's kind of just that simple.]

I trust the people I think I should trust. I avoid the people I think I should avoid. Maybe... that'll hurt me more later. I'm not sure, but.

...It's not worth it to spend too much time treating everyone like they're the bad guy. In the end, we... all really want the same thing, anyway.

[ceded]

... I want to send everyone home, [ she breathes, looking up at the ceiling. ] I want to see them again... and tell them how sorry I am that I couldn't protect them, and that I'm so happy ... to see them.

[ She doesn't specify the "them," but it should be clear enough given that her eyes flood with tears. Her sigh is very tired as she scrubs at her face. She doesn't cry, but it's a near thing. ]

I think a lot about how much I wish we all could have met somewhere else. Somewhere we never had to play a game like this.

[elemancy]

[she doesn't need to specify, because he gets it too. it's not like he's wanted any of the people to die—not a single one of them deserved to get pulled into this mess, after all.]

Would've been nice. [he doesn't disagree, closing his eyes and letting out a sigh.]

All we can do now is our best. To try and help the others and... fix the messes we've made.

[ceded]

[ Xion hums softly, a thoughtful sound. ]

What does that mean to you, Noctis? Helping, and fixing things.

[ She's asking what he'll do, more or less. It's a question she's had often lately: how to keep going. ]

[elemancy]

Trying to find the right way to end this. And... to make sure that nobody's losses are for nothing at all.

[they're already for so little, when nobody deserved to die in the first place. but making sure that they're avenged in at least some way.]

[ceded]

Do you think ... there'll come a point when we can end this game without killing anyone anymore?

[ soft, a bit wistful. ]

[elemancy]

...I hope so.

[he doesn't know. but he hopes, he really does.]