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[week five - saturday]
[ This was a mistake. It was. She should never have offered. She should never have done this.
She can't do it.
It's with all her panic burning just beneath the surface of her skin that she's heading for the hotel, and sees...
... no, no. She can't. She told him. He knows her conviction. He's the only person she's told about her commitment to playing the game.
But... but she--
she keeps seeing
felix's head ]
Shinnosuke?
[ her voice shivers. ]
She can't do it.
It's with all her panic burning just beneath the surface of her skin that she's heading for the hotel, and sees...
... no, no. She can't. She told him. He knows her conviction. He's the only person she's told about her commitment to playing the game.
But... but she--
she keeps seeing
felix's head ]
Shinnosuke?
[ her voice shivers. ]
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He pauses, with a tap against the ground with hiswalking stick, before turning in the direction of Xion's voice.]
Yeah?
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[ She'll find her way to him. She's got one hand free and she uses it to grab his sleeve. ]
I said-- I know what I said--
[ ... uh oh. ]
But I-- I don't know if I can--
[ Xion makes a small noise, and like, it turns out she's actually kind of hyperventilating? ]
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[He doesn't pull away, instead letting her keep her grip. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what Xion's talking about.]
How many people do you think will vote for you? You've got Ash's vote, but you weren't exactly a popular candidate back there.
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[ This is a whisper. Her unshed tears keep making her voice shiver, but she doesn't seem to actually be crying yet. ]
I keep ... I keep seeing his head on a pillow. He's -- he's my friend! I--
[ She makes another noise, this one a kind of stilted haa-a-a of breath. ]
I'm scared! [ all at once, her voice soft and high ] I'm scared of ... of what I'm becoming. I don't know if I've ever ... known who I am....!
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I can't answer that for you. No one but you can. [...] Why did you volunteer for Felix in particular, though?
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[ Her voice softens, shaking a little less. ]
I left the hotel a few hours after midnight to try and find him. There was something I ... wanted to tell him. He found me, and ... that's how I found out how Chane died. He told me.
[ ........... ]
I wanted to help him find Chane's killer. I knew ... what he'd do to that person. But then ... Will was the one to figure out it was Eliot during the trial today. I couldn't do anything to help him. And then he got voted for... I felt like I failed him. I wanted to do something...
[ she trails off, struggling to find the right words. ]
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[...]
Not everything is your responsibility, Xion. Felix himself didn't lift a finger during the trial until Will outed Mr. Spencer, and he didn't do himself any favours after the fact so he obviously wasn't trying very hard not to get voted for. If he doesn't blame you, then forget about it.
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[ Again, another soft sound. A short, pained hum. It might be a laugh if it just had a little more life to it. ]
I don't know what's wrong with me. Felix ... I think he's probably killed a lot of people. Why do I care so much? Shinnosuke, he ... he asked me if I wanted to come home with him. When the game is over.
[ Now she does laugh, and the sound of it is sort of hysterical. ]
He called himself a monster and asked if I'd go home with him!
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... You're impressionable. That's why. You said it before, didn't you? You're not used to a world with so many people, in your eyes.
I won't say anything about Felix. I got on well with the guy, and even monsters can have a heart. But... I think that with how little experience you have with other people, you'll attach yourself to anyone who shows you the right sort of kindness.
Am I wrong?
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When she talks again, it's with a different sort of quiet. This quiet is bitter. ]
Do you know what my superiors used to say about me?
[ There's an almost frightening intensity to her low voice. ]
That I was a mistake they never should have made. That I was broken, so I was worthless. Once he said, "did it break again?" after I collapsed one time.
[ The "he" clearly doesn't matter. Just that it was said.
It. ]
... I just want to be like you, [ she sighs, her voice thick with tears.
She does not mean like him personally.
She means human. ]
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He listens, and as with every other miserable detail of her life that she's given him, his reaction is passive. Her superiors are awful, undoubtedly; that's an awful thing to say, undoubtedly. If Shinnosuke ever met those people, they'd likely be enemies.
But he's long past the point of knowing how to hurt over these things, and so he simply listens, without reacting.]
... You don't need Felix to be what you want, Xion. You don't need me, Natalie, Dr. Lecter, or anyone. [...] Your past is the past, and you don't have to go back to that world.
If you want to find yourself, your best bet is break free from the influence of others.
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I don't know how. I don't even know who I can trust anymore. I don't think I can trust myself.
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He lets out a light scoff.]
I haven't trusted myself in a long time. You just learn how to fake it—though I've got years of experience. Guess you're still a newbie in that regard.
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[ A murmur. ]
That's how long I've actually been alive. If I'm fifteen now, it's because I was built to look like I was fourteen.
[ Xion laughs into his shoulder, and the sound is so tired. ]
Everyone here has been alive for so long, it's hard for me to really picture. What is it even like, to live for years and years...?
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[Being alive for only a year, huh? It's hard for him to imagine, just as it's difficult for Xion to imagine living for years.]
It's a struggle. The longer you live, the more you realize how unchanging the world is. That some of the bad never goes away, and that the good doesn't always prevail. You get tired of it.
But you keep getting up each day in hopes that maybe, that day will finally be the day the world gets better. Those days become weeks, and then months, and then years, and... you keep living like that.
[Or so goes the experience of a heavily embittered 17-year-old, but there you go. It's probably not what Xion was really talking about, but he doesn't know how to explain being alive for this long.]
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You make it sound easy, [ she says, her voice very thick, even though she knows it isn't easy. That the point is that it's been hard for him, too.
She's shivering. ]
I don't know if I can kill Felix, [ she whispers. ] Maybe I was kidding myself when I thought I could kill anyone. I keep thinking about all the nice things he ever said to me, and I...
[ She tilts her head, burying further if possible into his shoulder. ] You're right about me. You always have been. I trust too easily, and I'm pathetic, and now ... I don't know what to do.
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Calmly, as if he doesn't notice Xion shivering against him:]
Focus on your goal. [That's how he persevered through all these years.] What is it that you want to achieve in this place, and what are the ways you know of to get there?
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But her shivers fade to the barest of trembles as she starts to talk. ]
I want to end the game. And I want to save everyone who's died. You can win... or you can kill the Bandit leader, or the other leader. And ... there's a way to win without murder. No matter what, I have to ... make one of those happen.
[ Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. ]
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Which one of those do you think you're most likely to accomplish?
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[ all her delusions about helping with a murder are starting to feel like just that:
delusions. ]
I found out ... that we can end the game if we reach a point where no one is willing to kill anymore. I want that... [ She sighs a shuddery breath into his shoulder, but after that, her shaking stops. ]
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He waits until she's no longer shaking, before he replies.]
... It's going to take effort to reach that point. There are still people we need to weed out, after all.
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[ She is slowly starting to relax against him. The idea of a goal is steadying her. Especially a goal that doesn't involve a murder.
However, it isn't an innocent question. Actually, she just wants to see if his thoughts line up with hers. ]
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But I'm just as suspicious of anyone who seems too nice and helpful. Not that I want to accuse Dr. Lecter or anyone else who might fit the bill, but we need to figure out who might secretly be a psychopath or something.
[...]
Role-wise, someone who'd aim for the condition of killing a leader is also a problem. For some, it might not be enough that we win the game—they might want to win it alone, and if they're someone who wouldn't revive everyone at the end, that's a problem.
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[ The Non-Humans Brigade, plus his boyfriend. A reasonable group to maybe tame the savage robot.
Xion's grip on Shinnosuke's shirt slackens. She doesn't let go, but it loosens up a bit. ]
What makes you think ... Dr. Lecter might be suspicious?
[ She .... for various reasons ... is not uninterested in that line of thought. ]
And that last one ... comes down to who's still willing to kill even without a bandit role, and who might be selfish enough to only rescue themselves.
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[He shrugs.]
Nothing in particular he's done—just that he's the kind of person who'd be in a good position for it. He's our only fully qualified doctor, so we've been relying solely on him for a lot. He's unfailingly polite and charming, so no one has any reason to think poorly of him. He's an older adult here, so some people might look up to him as a mentor. And I've heard some stuff about his career back home that suggests he's good at reading people.
Again, doesn't have to be Dr. Lecter or his traits in particular. But those are the kinds of things that I'd look out for in people. If Yuna weren't dead, I could make a case for her too.
[... As nice as it'd be to think that no one would save only themselves, Shinnosuke isn't willing to bet on it, and so he nods.]
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[ Said very softly. She doesn't, apparently, have much to say to his analysis. It's not even that she disagrees with it or thinks it's without merit. She has started to have her own questions about Dr. Lecter, though most of the time she can convince herself she's overthinking it.
It's mostly because she hasn't slept since Thursday night, and she won't sleep tonight, and her exhaustion is tugging at her bones now that she isn't panicking anymore. Which ... she isn't. She couldn't be said to be in a good place, but she's no longer freaking out like she was when she first found him. She's got her head kind of pillowed on his shoulder now, and though he can't see it, her eyes are shut. ]
We should make a list. Of people we think are problems, or potential problems, and work out how we think we can deal with them one by one.
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Yeah, that might be a good idea. I think people wanted to make a list like that from the beginning, but... we probably had too many people at the time then, and not enough info.
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It occurs to her all at once that there won't be anyone regularly checking the Hero Club box anymore, and it makes her hide her face against him. ]
Next week. After tomorrow is over... we can start to work on it.
[ She doesn't want to think about tomorrow. She wants to stay here. If she could just stay here, forever, tomorrow would never come, and she'd never have to dwell again on the constant danger the lives their in, the sick sick feeling that comes with trying to think about what she'll do if someone takes Shinnosuke from her, too. ]
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... Sounds good to me.
[Tomorrow will come, and Sara and Felix will die. Afterwards... the rest of them still have to go on.]
Should probably start as early as possible next week, though. We don't know what's going to happen.
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[ She wants to stay.
Even if in some world he'd decide to let her, they're in the middle of the street in the middle of the night. She can't stay.
But she doesn't want to go back yet. ]
Shinnosuke.... I'm sorry. I think I'm going to be .... really selfish, and keep relying on you.
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What a pain...
[...]
You're lucky that I'm getting increasingly more free time to deal with you.
[Because, well. Everyone else keeps dying.]
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[ Very softly. She turns her head, pressing her ear to his shoulder instead and keeping her chin tucked down. Faintly, she can hear the beating of his heart.
How strange. How wonderful.
She can absolutely never tell him how she feels.
Maybe ... when this is all over. If she gets a chance then ... maybe.
Finally, somewhat reluctantly, she'll pull away from him. She's calm now, if tired and aching in ways that are hard to name. ]
... go back without me? I want to stay out for a little while longer.
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Don't get yourself killed. It's not the right night, but you never know.
[But he'll start walking away.]
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