ceded | IC DIARY; robowest

I HAVE A DOG!

His name is Pluto!

♥

He’s so cute!

arrival - saturday
I’m sure of it. Riku... he’s here.

Is he hiding from me?

I wonder how much he remembers.

[this entry is just a pawprint. it's not ink, though. it's dried mud. seems like she let pluto “sign” her diary.]

arrival - sunday
I don’t get it. Is everyone here a human? A real human? It’s strange, but… they seem so much like me, and Roxas. Axel would deny it, I bet. But he’s like them, too. We don’t act as differently as I thought we would. I thought a human would feel way more, but they just seem like people to me. Like everyone in the Organization did.

So what’s the big deal about having a heart? I understand that less than ever.

Am I feeling things, too?

week one - monday
Not everyone here is a human.

I think Sheriff Hal and I are a lot alike. He keeps talking about his programming, and how he was made, and I keep thinking about myself. I have programming too, don’t I? We’re not that different. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m more like him than I’m like everyone else here.

But everyone seems to hate him.

Are they going to hate me too, when they learn the truth?

week one - tuesday
Shinnosuke called me “normal.”

He doesn’t know I’m not a human like he is. I wonder if he’d still call me that if he did know.

Riku thinks I should go back, too.

It won’t be the same this time. If this is something we have to do…

I shouldn’t be scared. Sora needs me.

week one - wednesday
Can I really be a hero, like Yuna said?

Is someone like me... capable of being that kind of person?

I’m sure Saix would say I’m being foolish. But I think Sora would feel the same way I do.

So it has to be okay.

week one - thursday
Riku told me what the winner of the game can get.

I don't think Sheriff Hal would lie. Which means... there's a way to fix everything.

But the right person has to win. I have to figure out how I can help make that happen. Everything counts on it.

week one - friday
One of the last things I can remember is crying.

But there’s no way it was like this. This feels so much worse.

week one - saturday
I feel so sick.

I’m tired.

[there are stains as if from water droplets, and something furiously crossed out.]

week one - sunday
Everyone is so nice. Dr. Lecter, Chane, Percy, Natalie... Even after something that horrible, everyone is going out of their way to help me and talk to me. It’s a little confusing. Am I ... a friend to them? I want to live up to everyone’s expectations of me.

I can’t let everyone down. I have to be stronger. I can’t cry anymore.

I won’t forget you, Tiara. You too, Ao.

There’s no way [ underlined several times ] this is justice.

The shovel that Jason broke... I was able to get the handle. I’m not sure how much I can hide from Tarvek, but I’ve got it under my bed for now.

It’s no Keyblade, but if I need to fight, at least it’s something. I won’t make anyone here have to protect me ever again! I’ll be the one protecting them.

week two - monday
I don't really get why everyone is so upset about Tiara's body. Is burying someone who's died ... a big deal? There's so much I don't know about what's really important. When Organization members died, I'm sure they just faded away. I never really thought about this kind of thing before.

I want to ask why it's so important, but I'm afraid of making my friends angry, or worse, upset. I guess I'll just keep it to myself. Maybe I can ask Dr. Lecter the next time I see him.

My wanted poster changed... it says I'm 15 now. My birthday was on Friday, but I wasn't really thinking about that then.

I've never had a birthday before. I hope no one asks me about it. I'm not sure what I'd say.

week two - tuesday
Riku keeps telling me not to trust the people here. He isn't the only one, either. Natalie and Felix said things like that, too.

But I can't help it. If they were like the Organization members, maybe I could. But they're not. They're my friends. I can't just ignore them.

Could all the people I care about really kill anyone?

No, that isn't the right question to ask. We don't have a choice. I have to remember that.

week two - wednesday
I can't stop thinking about that conversation I had with Natalie. Is it really okay for someone like me to exist? But she doesn't seem to care that I'm not human. Dr. Lecter doesn't, either.

Is it really possible that I'm more like humans than I always believed? Was the Organization lying about that, too?

week two - thursday
Yuna threw me a birthday party! I got a really cute hat, and Dr. Lecter made food! So many people came. Even Shinnosuke!

I kept letting it slip that I haven't had a birthday party before. I have to be more careful. I'm glad no one really asked me about it. I was so happy. I can't believe someone did something so nice for me. I guess it's possible to cry when you're happy, too? I would have thought it was strange, but I couldn't stop the tears.

I'd do anything to protect everyone.

I hope we're doing the right thing with that camera Shinnosuke and I found. I don't want to mess this up. I can't mess this up.

I don't think we can stop the murder. But maybe we can find out who did it.

Love... Will loves Dr. Lecter. Like the same way Percy loves Annabeth, and Felix loves Chane?

I wish I understood all these feelings better. It just makes no sense to me. Could I ... feel that way about another person?

Even if I can, I shouldn't. I know Natalie really wants me to keep living, but no matter what she thinks, there's just no way I can. I don't think the Sheriff can save me.

Mr. von Karma... and Higekiri.

What were they doing?

I didn't stop them. I saw them leave, and I didn't stop them.

week two - friday
Mr. von Karma is dead.

Should I have done something?

If I tried, would I have been able to make a difference? Or would I have died, too?

At least the camera is with Sheriff Hal for now. It's safe for the weekend. I'm going to ask him if he'll keep hanging onto it for now. I have to decide what to do with it from here on out. All I can hope is that what I learned last night will be helpful during tomorrow's trial.

week two - saturday
[in all capital letters, written very sloppily] I HATE THIS

Nothing I did with the camera helped at all. It was pointless. I can't believe I was so stupid. We're going to execute someone who didn't even do it, and if Seizaburo had his way, we'd kill anyone we don't like! I can't believe him! Ash is rude and a little scary, but he's nowhere near as bad as Nui. But that doesn't give us the right to kill either of them! What's wrong with him?! I don't want to see him right now. I don't want to see anyone right now.

Would he say the same thing if he decided I was a threat? Would he kill me?

I hate this place.

I feel a little better after talking to Shinnosuke. I'm not sure I totally understand him, but he's actually really nice, even if he tries hard not to be. I won't tease him anymore, but I'm really grateful to know him.

I should talk to Seizaburo. I'm still upset, but ... "hard choices," right? I guess Seizaburo has had to make them, too.

I don't know what to do. Shinnosuke and Natalie know, but no one else... has any idea that I'm just like Mr. von Karma. Maybe worse. They don't know I'm dead.

How can I keep being close to them when I'm just going to go away? It hurts so much.

I can't be saved.

Can I?

week two - sunday
It doesn't have to be me. But someone good has to win the game. Someone who can fix all of this. Someone like ██████.

I have to do everything I possibly can to make that happen.

[this entry is just notes, seemingly to do with the camera. it's a list of rules that she wants to follow regarding what to do with the camera during the week and during the weekends, and also how to present the information she learns from it.

"detailed, thorough, and objective" are scrawled there, along with "protect it" and "avoid manipulation?" along with a few other notes]

week three - monday
I tried to bake a cake today. It really didn't work out. But that was okay! I got help cleaning up the kitchen, and I learned a lot. It was actually pretty fun.

I don't know if I should feel bad about having fun in a place like this.

week three - tuesday
I got to talk to Russell today. I've been meaning to for a while now. I think he and I might be the same, at least a little. Maybe we can help each other understand. At least, now I'll know better than to get upset with him again.

Is it possible he's not human either?

week three - wednesday
[there's many different sentences started that have been crossed out with varying levels of violence. in one spot, the page is ripped.

somewhere in the mess a few phrases can be made out, like no and I hate this and I miss, along with two names: Natalie and Seizaburo]

week three - thursday
Natalie is still alive! I found her underneath the clinic and Dr. Lecter and I rescued her. I think I hurt myself trying to get her out, but it's okay. I'm just so glad she's alright. Well, I guess alright isn't the word I should be using, is it? But she's alive, and we'll take care of her. I don't know what I would have done if I'd really lost her.

I hope that means somewhere, Seizaburo is still alive, too.

week three - friday
[again, for this day, there are a few different sentences started that have all been crossed out. however, there is much less violence to it this time. no page tears, no sloppiness. nothing is legible beneath everything she's almost meticulously crossed out.]

Riku is gone. Annabeth is, too. When I look at Percy, it's like looking in a mirror. We feel the same way.

I'll find whoever did this, and I'll make them pay.

I took Soul Eater. At least now I have a real sword.

What is Shinnosuke's problem? Why does he want me to hate him so badly? He's not a bad person, I know it. A bad person wouldn't do all the nice things for me that he's done. I know he doesn't hate me. He's lying! But why? He wants me to stay away from him, but it's like ... he's trying to protect himself from something.

I want to know. I just want to be friends. I think, deep down, he might care about me, too.

Noctis and I went to the homestead.

Riku hid something there after all. Some notes, and a letter. He said my memories come from one of the best people he knows, and that like him, I can be a light in the darkness for everyone.

Is that really something ... I can be? I keep making so many mistakes. The camera got stolen, and I couldn't protect you, Riku. I don't know if I can protect anyone. No one should be relying on me. I'll just let them down.

week three - saturday
[the page is smudged all over, as if from droplets of water. There are some scribbles over some particularly big splotches, like she tried to cross them out.]

I didn't know it was even possible to hurt so much. I'm...

It's all my fault. Tarvek, and Riku. I couldn't protect Riku, and I'm even the one who told him to stay in the hotel, where it was safer. And I didn't try hard enough to move everyone's suspicions off of Tarvek. I let him watch the camera with me, and I put his life in danger. Now he's going to die, too, and it's all because of me.

Saix was right about me. I am a mistake. I wish I'd never been created.

I'm really worried about Percy. I wish ... there was something more I could do for him. Why am I such a mess?

Whether I want to be here or not, someone gave me this time. I have to use it. If I can't protect anyone, then I'll have to try to win. If we can't escape playing this game, then I'll play. I'll win, and everyone will go home. Annabeth, Riku, Tarvek, Ao, Tiara, Higekiri, everyone... they'll all go home, where they belong. I'll fade away, and no one will even remember I existed. But that's fine. If it means I can bring everyone back, that's a price I'll gladly pay.

I can't give up. I have to keep moving forward and never look back, no matter what.

week three - sunday
Maybe Tarvek will survive, but I don't have much hope. I don't even know if I want to hope, only to be disappointed. It would feel so much like I lost him twice.

Shinnosuke is right about me. I am a despicable person. I have to be, or I wouldn't be so determined to play this game.

If he and Noctis die, will it be my fault? I'm a little scared to talk to ██████ again. I can't predict what he'll say. He's a really practical person. I could never do the things he can. I don't even know if I should trust him, but I don't know who else I can turn to. He has a role that could help him win. I don't think he's faking it when he gets upset, or anything. Which means he'll probably send everyone home.

I have to believe. Even if my other friends start dying, I have to believe. We just need the right person to win. No one else has to live for that to happen.

week four - monday
I talked to Milla. I was never really mad at her, but I think she thought I was. She's a really good person, and a good friend. I'm really thankful I know her. She told me all about the train, and that everyone is safe in there. I was so grateful I started crying. This really means we can bring them all back. We just have to win! I know we can do it.

Anyway, Milla and I going to break into one of the stores. I know everyone would tell me not to, which is why I can't say anything. I have to do this. I can't just sit around anymore and watch my friends die.

[underlined many times: ]

Jason and Shinnosuke are the worst!!!!!!!

Whatever happens, I have to protect Milla. After what happened to Jason and Shinnosuke, it's more important than ever.

I was having second thoughts before, but now I'm really sure. Watching them get hurt is awful! Even if I get hurt too, I have to do something!

week four - tuesday
Percy and I picked flowers for Annabeth's and Riku's graves today.

Sometime I wonder if he's the only person here I can completely trust. No matter how much I like and care about all of my friends, it's impossible to say who here has been willing to kill. I don't know what I'd do if I were a Bandit. Maybe I'd be a killer, too.

But I don't think Percy is a killer. He's a really good person. I trust him more than anything. I wonder if I should tell him everything ██████ told me.

I wasn't really sure before, but talking to Dr. Lecter helped me figure it out for sure. I didn't think I could feel this way about anyone, but I can't stop thinking about him. I know he'd tell me I was being stupid. He already accused me of not thinking straight.

I want to protect him, and I don't think I can. I don't know what I'll do if he ends up dead because of me.

week four - wednesday
Milla and I broke into the gunsmith. My leg is useless now, and Milla got hurt, too. But she's alive.

I'm not ready to talk to everyone.

I'm so tired. I know they're upset, but I just want to sleep.

I don't regret it. I feel bad for making everyone worry about me so much, and I feel even worse that Milla got hurt. Even if everyone has a point, and I need to take better care of myself, I don't regret breaking in there at all. It was scary, and my leg is killing me. But we opened a building. I don't know if it'll end up being useful, but at least I can say I did something.

But... I really do feel bad. The way everyone looked at me today was just the worst.

week four - thursday
Of course Shinnosuke would end up in the stocks this week! He's such a jerk, whoever picks the person to put in the stocks probably thought it'd be funny if he got stuck there!

I'm really, really scared.

Riku and Tarvek wrote me letters.

I couldn't stop crying. Tarvek's was so sweet. He's so funny. I really, really miss him. I still feel so guilty that he died when I didn't, even if I know he'd tell me not to feel that way. I have to protect his pocket watch until the game is over.

Riku...

I'll see you again.

week four - friday
Shinnosuke was okay after all. I really need to thank Yuna for protecting him. She's amazing! I wish I could have done what she did.

Poor Lust and Simon. They both seemed nice.

I told ██████ what I learned. I feel like it's not enough, but I hope it helps somehow.

week four - saturday
We still failed.

I'm really starting to think we won't ever get this right.

But even if we don't, we can't stop fighting.

I hate feeling like I'm getting used to this. I didn't cry today. It's the first time I haven't cried after a trial.

It's like I've felt so much that I can't feel anything more. Like I'm so full of everyone's pain and emotions that I can't take anything else in.

week four - sunday
Does he really believe in me?

I like him. I care about him so much. I wish more than anything I could see him smile.

Maybe once we win this game, and we're all free. Maybe then he'll smile for real.

All my friends here, everyone I care about so much, they need me. I can be strong. I will be strong. I'll keep living, and I won't give up. Someday, we'll all get to smile together.

Will I keep existing once this game is over?

More than anything, I don't want to go away anymore. Dr. Lecter, and Percy, and Natalie, and Shinnosuke, they all helped me realize that. I want to live. I want to live for them! There's so many things I want to do. I want to hang out and talk with Natalie, I want to go exploring with Percy, I want to cook with Dr. Lecter, I want to walk by Shinnosuke's side and laugh when he tells bad jokes. I want to pick flowers with Yuna, and let Mr. Barnham play with Pluto, and help Milla discover new foods! I want to hold Seizaburo's hand and smile, I want to learn to fight from Sara, I want to do things with everyone! Felix and Chane and Tarvek and Jason and Harry... I want to see what Noctis is like as a king, or learn more things about the world with Russell!

I can't even list everyone. There's so much that I want.

But even if we can choose where we want to go when the game ends, what does that mean for something like me? If I choose to go back to a world that isn't mine, will Sora stay asleep? I might not have a choice. I might have to give up my existence all over again.

If I do that, everyone here will forget I ever existed. They won't even remember my name.

I want to live. All I want is to live and be with the people I love.

week five - monday
[this entry was apparently once some kind of list. there's no description; the header is just a question mark. however, it was, at some point, all very neatly crossed out.

███
~~███~~
█████
~~█████~~
████
~~██████████~~]

week five - tuesday
I wish I'd gotten to know Russell sooner. He's nice. I kind of want to ask more about him, but it seems like his past really bothers him.

week five - wednesday
Percy won't tell me everything he knows. It's frustrating, but I'm trying to understand. I know he wants to protect me, but I don't really want to be protected anymore. What happens to me won't matter if the right person wins.

Supporting everyone... is what I can do... really that special?

He did tell me that we can end the game without murdering anyone. All this time I thought the only way was to keep killing. Is ending the game like that really something we can pull off?

Seizaburo is dead. He died right in my arms and I had to watch the whole thing. I couldn't do anything.

I'm so tired of watching my friends die, but Shinnosuke is right. I have to be prepared to bury more of my friends. Maybe all of them.

[she tries to start several entries, and fails every time. these are neatly crossed out, just like what she did for all those entries from week 3's friday.]

I've made up my mind.

Even if it means I have to do something awful... we have to end this game.

███████ has a role. This whole time...

I want to keep her safe. I'm worried what will happen if anyone else finds out what she is.

week five - thursday
I feel a little guilty for having feelings like this when there's so many awful things happening. But I don't know what I'd do without Shinnosuke.

I think I should get something ready. For him, and Percy, and Damian, in case something happens to me. I want to live, till the very end of this game, but... this place is so dangerous, you don't really know what will happen. I want the three of them to have my notes and letters if I get killed.

week five - friday
So many people dead today. What happened last night?

They killed Chane. I can't imagine how Felix must be feeling. I think I should find him.

It's strange, but with so much death, it almost doesn't feel real. Knowing they're all safe somewhere else now, just waiting for us to finish the game, just makes it feel even less real. Watching everyone die is still horrible, but we'll get them back. We have to get them back.

... Felix was always strange. It was never something I could really figure out, till tonight.

He's actually really scary. He called himself a monster, and now I think he's probably killed people before. But I still care about him. I want to help him find Chane's killer.

week five - saturday
I don't

Seizaburo, Chane, Eliot, Ezio, Higekiri, Sara, Russell.

It really can be anyone.

It's like I can't even feel anything anymore. I should be scared, but I'm not. I don't even care.

Who... am I?

I thought I knew the answer to that question, but Milla made me realize that I don't. I don't know the answer at all. Have I ever really known... who I am?

Not as a piece of Sora, or as a member of the Organization, or even as Roxas and Axel's best friend.

What does it even mean to be yourself?

Will I really be able to kill Felix tomorrow?

this was a mistake

week five - sunday
I ran into Shinnosuke last night, and helped me calm down. Jason, too. All this time... all this time I've been trying to commit to playing the game. After Riku died, I decided to play it, whatever that meant. But I never got picked as a Bandit, and all I've really managed to do is get myself hurt and make everyone worry. I can't even picture killing someone just because.

And then after I volunteered for Felix's execution, I started freaking out. I couldn't stop picturing his head on a pillow, just like Riku's. I wish I'd listened when everyone tried to stop me. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm always so tired these days. I haven't slept since Thursday night.

All I can do right now is see what will happen this afternoon.

I should apologize to Percy.

Milla was the one they voted for.

I've never felt so relieved and so guilty at the same time. It was such an awful way to feel.

I don't think I can be a killer. Maybe Felix isn't wrong, and I'll have to kill someone before the end. But I don't want that. I don't think I ever did. I just want the game to end. If there's a way to do that without killing anyone else, that's what I have to put all my time and effort into doing. That might be the only thing I can really do.

I don't know what to do about Percy anymore. I want to help him, but I think he sees me a lot like Roxas did. Just as someone he has to take care of. I'm sure that's all my fault, but it's still frustrating. I don't want him to take care of me. I don't want anyone to take care of me anymore. I just want to help, and no one will let me.

I can't keep doing reckless things. As frustrated as I feel, it'll only make everyone push me away even more.

What ... can I do?

week six - monday
I feel like I could sleep this whole week away. I finally got some sleep last night, but it feels like I don't deserve it. I don't really want to sleep, either. I keep having nightmares. In them, I see the heads of everyone I care about, bloody and scattered around. They say horrible things.

I saw Percy today. I got to apologize to him, and I made us some pasta while we talked. He seems so tired these days.

I think I'll make something for everyone tomorrow.

I've learned a lot about the roles in the game, especially lately. I think I finally understand why everyone has tried so hard to protect me. I know that it's my fault, too. I think it's probably the same reason I never got a role. No one trusts me not to freak out. I'm not sure I even trust myself.

I still trust my friends, though. But it's hard, knowing what I know now. It hurts so much just to think about it, but I can't dwell. There's too much to do, so I have to keep going.

There are two leaders in this game, and only one of them can be trusted. I have to be careful. I can't mess this up, or we'll all die, and we'll never, ever go home. Maybe it'll be best if I try to keep to myself this week.

week six - tuesday
Doing so little this week is making me feel really restless. I'm going to make cookies today, and I hope everyone will smile even just a little. It doesn't feel like enough, but I don't want to do more than that, for now.

We have so much to figure out and plan.

week six - wednesday
I talked to Percy. He wasn't happy, but he wasn't as mad as I thought he'd be. I hope he doesn't yell at Shinnosuke when they talk. Percy's a really nice guy, but he has kind of a temper. Although, I guess I can't really blame him.

It's been so quiet this week. Even quieter than usual. It's making me feel uneasy.

week six - thursday
Damian is in the stocks.

What are we going to do?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Tucked against the back cover of her diary - which, incidentally, is just a repurposed rulebook - Xion has all the letters that have been written to her. Her letters from the dead, along with a little green bird made of paper. There is another letter, too, though this one is quite a bit more worn, as if it has been read many times.

Lastly, there is an unsigned note on a torn off piece of paper that says only: Keep moving forward and never look back, even if it's only for the sake of finding the true culprits. You have something worth struggling for. This note, too, is worn and obviously much-handled. ]

Edited 2017-02-24 02:46 (UTC)

[ There is not much to the separate notes that Xion has. She never really seemed to take any herself, and if she did, they are in her diary. However, she does have some things that match the handwriting of Riku's other letters. ]

[ It seems she has written letters of her own. They are all here as well. They are not in envelopes; Xion seems to have torn pages out of a different rulebook to write these letters in, and then simply folded up the page (or pages) in half, then in half again. Then she writes a name on the blank little square that gives her.

There are four. They are addressed to Damian, Percy, Shinnosuke, and Jason & Natalie. Damian's seemed to have an extra little note on it, but for whatever reason, it's been crossed out. ]

Edited 2017-02-24 21:29 (UTC)

IC DIARY; robowest

LETTERS

NOTES

OTHER THINGS