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[week three - sunday]
[ It probably makes her a horrible person that all she can feel about Lissa's horrible death is a lingering sense of cold lodged in her gut. No screaming, no crying, no horror. Just ... empty, stinging cold.
She's a different person than she was yesterday and Friday. The past two days she's walked around expressionless, and when she hasn't been that, she's been screaming. One or the other, with no fair middle ground. But today there's just ... exhaustion. Her emotions are muted, but they're there.
A few hours after the execution finds her on the hotel's porch, her broken foot extended in front of her and Pluto at her side. She pets her dog's head slowly and mindlessly while she stares out at the little town, thinking everything and nothing at once.
It's only when she sees someone ... well, someone that matters that she pulls herself out of her reverie. ]
... hey, Shinnosuke.
[ She doesn't smile for him, no. But there is a softness on her face that suggests maybe the opposite of the ill will he's probably been hoping to see. ]
She's a different person than she was yesterday and Friday. The past two days she's walked around expressionless, and when she hasn't been that, she's been screaming. One or the other, with no fair middle ground. But today there's just ... exhaustion. Her emotions are muted, but they're there.
A few hours after the execution finds her on the hotel's porch, her broken foot extended in front of her and Pluto at her side. She pets her dog's head slowly and mindlessly while she stares out at the little town, thinking everything and nothing at once.
It's only when she sees someone ... well, someone that matters that she pulls herself out of her reverie. ]
... hey, Shinnosuke.
[ She doesn't smile for him, no. But there is a softness on her face that suggests maybe the opposite of the ill will he's probably been hoping to see. ]
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[Flowers and all.
... She wanted to talk to him? Why? He really doesn't understand her. Then again, he supposes he didn't understand the likes of Gunjou and Shiro and everyone back home either, and look at where that got him.]
Do I have a reason not to be?
[No, he needs to stand so that he can flee if need be??]
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Running around on a broken heel with no painkillers and no real heed for your own safety sure doesn't make for clean, easy healing.
Xion will look ahead, bracing her heels on the wood of the porch. Pluto nuzzles at her wrist. ]
The homestead... that's a good idea. I can't get there very quickly, but maybe I'll go this week.
[ Soft, and thoughtful. ]
Hey, Shinnosuke... how much have you thought about playing the game?
[ this
is probably why she wanted to talk to him. ]
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He doesn't react with any particular surprise, though, instead looking pensive as he remains quiet for a moment.]
In what way? We're all playing it, whether we want to or not. [...] Unless, of course, you mean killing.
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I guess I mean that, too, since you have to if you really want to play. But ... there's everything else about it, too. The murderers who got away with it... no matter who I trust or how I feel about it, they could be anyone. Which means whoever they are, they're lying to us and manipulating us. That's part of the game, too.
[ Again she looks away. Her brows draw together, and she moves her hand to let it rest idly on Pluto's back.
If there's anyone who might not judge her for where she's going with this, it's probably him. ]
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Yeah. That's how things are in any situation where the stakes are high. You never know what people's real intentions are. What they prioritize. If being a good person means more to them than their own desires, or the other way around.
And those who are smart will take advantage of anyone foolish enough to believe in them.
[It's something he's known for a long, long time now.]
... So you can't trust anyone. I can't trust you. You can't trust me. And so on and so forth.
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[ She smiles then, almost laughing, but there is a depth of impossible sadness to it. It's a very self-deprecating expression, one that knows her own foolishness. That smile fades as she directs her gaze at the ground instead. ]
I want to play the game, Shinnosuke. I don't know ... if I'll end up killing anyone, but ... like you said, there's no choice but to play, is there? If I win, or someone I care about does, then ... we can make all of this right again.
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[... But he knows what she means. Even though he's always known to stay away from others, back home, he couldn't help but be taken in by others' "light".]
If you're the last one standing, you mean? Or if someone manages to unlock another condition to end the game... In any case, it's taken you this long to realize? No wonder you've already been duped once. I hope you've figured out why you were given false info over that whole "bandit leader" thing, at least.
[Assuming it wasn't her own lie, anyway.]
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[ She trails off. She hardly needs to say that this week crushed any hope she had, not that she'd say it that way in the first place. But it is how she feels. ]
Mm, I don't really know what happened with that. Riku would never lie to me, and I don't know how he got it wrong.
[ Well. That was an admission of her informant, simple and easy as you please. Probably not too surprising, either. ]
He was just trying to help me. He told me ... that I could be a light in the darkness for everyone.
[ Xion stares ahead again, and this time, her expression borders on that frightful blankness from Friday. ]
I don't think he's right, though.
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Why are you telling me this? is a question that dies on his tongue. In the end, he supposes that he knows. Xion doesn't want to be told to hold on. To hold onto hope, when hope is its own killer.
In a way, it's bitterly amusing to look at her now. He can't remember if he was ever like her, but he knows all too well what it's like to become embittered.]
Well, it's easy to push responsibility onto someone else, though to be a "light"... you'd either have to be stupidly strong like the heroes found in fairy tales or be an incredible idiot. Do you think you're one of those two?
[He can't give her any sort of advice, at least. He's never tried to be that sort of person—the only individual whom he's wanted to be a light for has been lost to him for ten years, after all.]
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[ She's just a piece of him, cruelly stolen away, robbing him of his life with every second her own continues. ]
Did I tell you how I died?
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[As if that's the kind of you casually forget.]
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I haven't told anyone this, you know. Not even Natalie or Dr. Lecter. I'm not sure even Riku knew.
[ Down goes her chin, and her hand stills on Pluto's back. ]
My best friend... I made him kill me.
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Okay?
[It's probably an underwhelming response (though he imagines that she doesn't want an emotional reaction), but he's not all that capable of a more extreme one, even if it weren't for her vagueness and earlier confession to being dead.
Though really, it's still hard to grasp that she's telling him this.]
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I should have known...
[ She looks down at Pluto, still smiling. ]
I'm not the person everyone thinks I am. That's all. Would a good person, a person who could be a "light" ... really do something like that?
[ After all, she had a choice. Though ... the alternative was even more horrible than that, by far. ]
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It's a familiar enough story. What may be a little surprising to Xion, depending on what exactly her perception of him is, is that he doesn't immediately agree.]
Well, except maybe one or two people here... we're all kind of messed up in some way. People are selfish by nature, after all. Even the ones that others look to for inspiration...
[...]
Depending on the circumstances, some people might claim that what you did was a noble thing, and it wouldn't change their view of you at all. On the other hand... shoving responsibility onto someone else like that really is despicable.
[Gunjou had left her fate in his hands. While she'd meant for him to save her, that act could've killed her instead and they both knew it. If that'd happened, then that would've meant she forced the burden of her death onto him—and ah, how he'd resented her selfishness in that moment. Perhaps he can understand how Xion's friend might've felt.
Even so, Gunjou's a good person; he believes that even now. Her decision that time didn't change a thing about the way he saw her.]
Honestly, though, I'm not the best person to ask about this, you know? You should've realized by now that I've got a rather low opinion of people.
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I know. I think ... maybe that's why I'm telling you. I don't think you'll try to talk me out of playing.
[ Xion scritches her way around Pluto's head, eventually scratching softly under his chin. Despite the somber mood, his tail starts to wag just a little bit. ]
What will you do, Shinnosuke? Will you keep playing?
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I'll do whatever it takes to survive this game. I can't judge anyone else for doing the same.
[And there's his answer.]
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She can't judge him for it, either.
When Xion glances up at him, it's utterly without guile. The question she asks, loaded though it is, is also honest. ]
What will you do if you win?
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[Oh, he can take a guess, but he's delaying having to answer.]
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[ Says this ... very casually. ]
You've heard about it, haven't you?
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Refresh my memory.
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You can send everyone home, send yourself home, or restart the game.
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[HAHAHAHA um]
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And then the shape of her face changes, subtle shifts of her eyes and the corners of her mouth. It's probably nothing he wants to or expects to see.
Without thinking -- apparently -- she'll lift the hand she's been using to pet Pluto all this time. She doesn't seem to quite realize what she's doing until her fingers brush his.
At which point she snaps her hand back, blinking in surprise. Flustered and giving her head a small, quick shake, she draws her hand all the way back to rest on Pluto's head again. ]
... Shinnosuke, what's your home like?
[ let's
change the subject from whatever happened just now ]
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[Likewise, Shinnosuke's hand snaps back as if Xion had just set it on fire. What was that about?
???
?????
You know what, he doesn't want to think about it, so yes, let's change the subject??]
... It's okay. [He hates it.] Mostly shitty, but probably better than some other places out there. Depends on who you are and where you live, I guess. Ever heard of "Earth"?
[At this point, he doesn't know what to assume about the worlds that others are from.]
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she doesn't know the name of this feeling.
Still trying to shake it off, Xion just tries to focus on what he's saying. It gets a thoughtful look, but she shakes her head. ]
No. Are there a lot of people there?
[ Genuinely curious. ]
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Yeah, a few billion. People die constantly [especially thanks to the Labyrinth Disease] but new people are also being born constantly, so humanity isn't going to disappear anytime soon.
[Except maybe until Shinnosuke accidentally causes the apocalypse, but shhhh, that hasn't happened to him yet—]
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That's hard to picture...
[ To say the least. ]
When we all got here, I remember thinking that there was a lot of people. It was a little overwhelming.
[ She tilts her head thoughtfully, with a tiny, considering frown. ]
I guess my world must have been really small.
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[Sorry but also not sorry.]
Though I mean, Earth is a big place. The city I come from takes up just a tiny percentage of the world's total population.
... With that said, by most standards, forty people is a pretty small number for a town.
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I guess I wouldn't know. The castle I lived in only had fourteen people in it, but I don't even really remember when it was like that. Mostly I remember there being just nine of us. I lived there all my life, and when I got to leave, I had to avoid other people.
[ She's aware of the small deception of "all my life." It's the factual truth, but also misleading to a human. That is one secret she isn't positive she wants to share, though. ]
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Welcome to your first experience dealing with more than nine people, then. Ain't it grand?
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It's nothing like what I expected. I always thought interacting with other people would be...
[ she struggles for a word, and then says, like a question: ] more?
[ No, that's not right. Her mouth twists, and for a strangely long moment she's quiet. Finally: ]
I thought humans would be different.
[ So there's major admission of the day #2. She was more reluctant about this one, but it's almost impossible to explain her confusion without it. ]
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After the initial blink and moment of silence, during which he registers and files away this bit of information (honestly, things about Xion are making more and more sense; also, he should probably be a bit more careful with talking about humans as a generalization, huh?), before:]
Surprise, we're a very weird bunch beyond comprehension.
[But seriously, why is Xion confessing everything to him?]
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It's not that. It's that ... humans feel the same as the Organization. Everyone in it wasn't human, and our leader told us over and over that ... we were incomplete. So I thought humans would be...
[ A pause. ]
But actually, everyone just seems kind of like people to me. We're not as different as I thought we'd be.
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Well, humans are still in development too, you know? While I don't really know what you mean by "incomplete", we're horribly imperfect ourselves.
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[ She knows she's still different from humans in a fundamental way that probably can't be bridged. But everything Xemnas ever told them about not having "hearts" ... she knew, in the end, that it was lies meant to manipulate them, that he had a larger scheme he'd never told them, but his deception ran deeper than she ever thought. ]
I wish ... I'd gotten to meet humans in different circumstances. I think it might have been fun. I wish... I'd gotten to meet you somewhere else. [ She looks at him with a slightly different smile now, small and laughing and doubtful and sincere and knowing. ] Do you think it would've been different?
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If nothing else, even if he's been starting since before arriving here, he's familiar with having to rethink one's previous beliefs. (That maybe the world isn't as cruel as he made it out to be.)
A pensive look on his face might give away a hint about his thoughts, but when Xion asks her question (he won't think about her statement just before that, he won't), it morphs into a deadpan expression.]
Nope. I'm trash no matter where I am.
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Does she actually want to figure it out?
His deadpan look, and what he says, gets the same kind of crooked smile he's been getting all along. At least, until it blooms into the first, the only, true smile she's given anyone since Wednesday. That she probably will give anyone for some time. ]
Me too.
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Damn it all.
It shouldn't be him here. It should be Yuna, or Milla, or someone Xion can call a friend that doesn't sound utterly bizarre.]
... You're not supposed to agree with that, you know.
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She laughs, rubbing a hand over her face and kind of ... shrugging? She doesn't know how she feels. That hand moves to simply rest on her cheek as she looks up at him. ]
... sorry?
[ .... #notsorry
With a sigh, her smile dims into something very faint, but warm. ]
I won't make you stay any longer. But, Shinnosuke...
[ Xion's smile leaves her as she looks up at him, perfectly inscrutable. ]
.... live. Please?
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[Damn her. Damn her for asking that of him, because there isn't a truthful answer he can give her that will make her happy. (Not that her happiness should be any of his concern.)
Anyone can die in this place. Her, him, someone else. Knowing that, this conversation is pointless. Forming cozy relationships is pointless. He's aware of that. He's painfully aware of his own idiocy here—his own weakness.
It's not just Xion, in the end.
He turns away to enter the hotel.]
That's what I plan on.
[But no promises.]