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[letter six: shinnosuke, post-death]
Feb. 26th, 2017 09:52 pmI don’t know if you’ll keep this letter. I don’t even know if you’ll really be able to bring it with you. But just once, I wanted to put down how I feel in words. You’ll say I’m being stupid, and ... I know. I don’t expect you to feel the same way for me. And that’s okay. Really! I guess I just wanted you to know, before the end.
For a long time I didn’t even think I was capable of love, not in the romantic way. Hannibal and Will tried to explain it to me once. (Ugh.) And of course, there was Chane and Felix. But I think the person who really helped me understand it most, in the end, was Percy. He told me how he felt about Annabeth, and listening to him describe her was amazing. At the time, I was sure something like that would never be a thing I could really feel. I didn’t think a little puppet like me would be capable of feeling something so amazing and powerful.
Actually, do you want to know where all this started? Don’t laugh. (Or ... um, feel bad, I guess.) I talked to Felix about it one time, and he told me he and Chane were enemies when they first met. It made me think of you. Not that I ever believed we were enemies! (Even if you were really awful to me that one time.) I guess at the time I just wasn’t really sure if we were friends, either, since you kept trying to push me away. But after that, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
I guess I should really just say it, huh? Instead of putting it off forever.
I love you, Shinnosuke. I know I’ve never felt about anyone the things I feel about you. It’s kind of scary! And strange. Sometimes it makes my chest hurt. You kept trying to tell me I was just confused and tired, but I knew how I felt. Despite everything we’ve been through, that hasn’t changed. If anything, I’m even more sure than I was before, because now I know for sure you really were fighting as hard as you could to do the right thing all along. I always believed that, but it’s nice to have confirmation.
To be really honest, I don’t know if I’d say I was really in love with you or something like that. Those don’t seem like the right words. But I don’t love you just as a friend, either. Maybe I just don’t really know the right words to describe it.
You always talk about how you’re not a good person. But I’ve never thought that was true. You’re mean sometimes, and you try so hard to keep everyone away from you. But actually, you’re pretty amazing. At least, you are to me. Whether you want to admit it or not, you always want to help people. You keep a level head even in the worst situations, and you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. You’re brave and capable, and even if you don’t want to be, you’re the kind of person other people rely on. Even if I didn’t have these feelings for you, I’d still really admire you. You’re a really special person. You’re a better person than you think you are, too. Hehe, honestly, you’re actually pretty bad at being mean, too. It’s easy to see right through you and know how you really feel.
I wouldn’t love just any old jerk, you know!
I know you have a dream, to save your sister. And you know, I really believe you’ll do it. Because it’s you! There’s no way you’ll fail. You’ll never give up, and you’ll get her back someday.
I’m really, really going to miss you. The thought of never seeing you again is probably one of the most painful things I’ve ever felt. Joking about stupid things, or making plans together, or whatever we’d talk about... I don’t want to let go of that. But that’s just me being really selfish. I know you’ll tell me it’s my own fault for getting so attached. I know it is. But I don’t regret a single second of the time I spent with you, no matter how scary or painful it was, and no matter how much I’ll end up missing you because of it. I’d much rather have gotten to be close to you and stay by your side for these few weeks than never have known you at all. I think I’m probably a better person now because I met you.
I want you to be happy, Shinnosuke. I want to see you build a world where you and your sister can smile. If anyone can do it, it’s you.
You might think it's a bad idea, but I meant what I said about wanting to try and find your world someday, no matter how long it takes me. I want to find you in it, and throw my arms around you in a big hug. You’ll act like you hate it, but you’ll still let me do it. I’ll laugh when you get all sarcastic and huffy, and it’ll be the best.
There’s nothing you can’t do if you really set your mind to it, Shinnosuke. Just remember that no matter how big of a jerk you are, someone will be there for you that loves you, and you should rely on them at least a little. Deep down, I know you don’t want to be alone, and you don’t have to be.
We’ll always be in each other’s hearts. (Not that way, at least for you, don’t make that face.) Even if we’re worlds apart, we’ll be connected to each other in our memories. So no matter how far apart we really are, you'll always be with me, and I'll be with you.
I really love you. Never, ever stop fighting. Live.
-Xion
For a long time I didn’t even think I was capable of love, not in the romantic way. Hannibal and Will tried to explain it to me once. (Ugh.) And of course, there was Chane and Felix. But I think the person who really helped me understand it most, in the end, was Percy. He told me how he felt about Annabeth, and listening to him describe her was amazing. At the time, I was sure something like that would never be a thing I could really feel. I didn’t think a little puppet like me would be capable of feeling something so amazing and powerful.
Actually, do you want to know where all this started? Don’t laugh. (Or ... um, feel bad, I guess.) I talked to Felix about it one time, and he told me he and Chane were enemies when they first met. It made me think of you. Not that I ever believed we were enemies! (Even if you were really awful to me that one time.) I guess at the time I just wasn’t really sure if we were friends, either, since you kept trying to push me away. But after that, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
I guess I should really just say it, huh? Instead of putting it off forever.
I love you, Shinnosuke. I know I’ve never felt about anyone the things I feel about you. It’s kind of scary! And strange. Sometimes it makes my chest hurt. You kept trying to tell me I was just confused and tired, but I knew how I felt. Despite everything we’ve been through, that hasn’t changed. If anything, I’m even more sure than I was before, because now I know for sure you really were fighting as hard as you could to do the right thing all along. I always believed that, but it’s nice to have confirmation.
To be really honest, I don’t know if I’d say I was really in love with you or something like that. Those don’t seem like the right words. But I don’t love you just as a friend, either. Maybe I just don’t really know the right words to describe it.
You always talk about how you’re not a good person. But I’ve never thought that was true. You’re mean sometimes, and you try so hard to keep everyone away from you. But actually, you’re pretty amazing. At least, you are to me. Whether you want to admit it or not, you always want to help people. You keep a level head even in the worst situations, and you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. You’re brave and capable, and even if you don’t want to be, you’re the kind of person other people rely on. Even if I didn’t have these feelings for you, I’d still really admire you. You’re a really special person. You’re a better person than you think you are, too. Hehe, honestly, you’re actually pretty bad at being mean, too. It’s easy to see right through you and know how you really feel.
I wouldn’t love just any old jerk, you know!
I know you have a dream, to save your sister. And you know, I really believe you’ll do it. Because it’s you! There’s no way you’ll fail. You’ll never give up, and you’ll get her back someday.
I’m really, really going to miss you. The thought of never seeing you again is probably one of the most painful things I’ve ever felt. Joking about stupid things, or making plans together, or whatever we’d talk about... I don’t want to let go of that. But that’s just me being really selfish. I know you’ll tell me it’s my own fault for getting so attached. I know it is. But I don’t regret a single second of the time I spent with you, no matter how scary or painful it was, and no matter how much I’ll end up missing you because of it. I’d much rather have gotten to be close to you and stay by your side for these few weeks than never have known you at all. I think I’m probably a better person now because I met you.
I want you to be happy, Shinnosuke. I want to see you build a world where you and your sister can smile. If anyone can do it, it’s you.
You might think it's a bad idea, but I meant what I said about wanting to try and find your world someday, no matter how long it takes me. I want to find you in it, and throw my arms around you in a big hug. You’ll act like you hate it, but you’ll still let me do it. I’ll laugh when you get all sarcastic and huffy, and it’ll be the best.
There’s nothing you can’t do if you really set your mind to it, Shinnosuke. Just remember that no matter how big of a jerk you are, someone will be there for you that loves you, and you should rely on them at least a little. Deep down, I know you don’t want to be alone, and you don’t have to be.
We’ll always be in each other’s hearts. (Not that way, at least for you, don’t make that face.) Even if we’re worlds apart, we’ll be connected to each other in our memories. So no matter how far apart we really are, you'll always be with me, and I'll be with you.
I really love you. Never, ever stop fighting. Live.
-Xion
