[week four - wednesday]

[ceded]

[ By the end of the day, Xion wants to cry as much as she wants to sleep.

She's gotten almost no rest even after a surgery thanks to how many people have come to see her. They've almost all, with a singular exception, been angry with her. More than anything she wishes she could just crawl away and hide.

This is what it really means to face the consequences of your actions, huh?

By the time Natalie finds her, she'll have her eyes shut and she's trying to rest. But she'll hear someone approach, and open her eyes almost reluctantly.

When she sees who it is...

Oh, no, this won't go well. ]

Natalie.

Comments

[ceded]

[ She groans, fisting her hands in the thin blanket that covers her and looking away. ]

Because I thought we'd learn something. Because I'm sick of not doing anything and feeling helpless! [ Looks square at her friend again, defiant and upset. ] Because I just did, Natalie. I don't have an answer you're going to like!

[robitussin]

It's not about me liking the answer, it's about you realizing that you—

[She cuts off abruptly, realizing that she's raising her voice, and she breathes in a sigh. Her face is just as defiant as Xion's, though she makes an effort to keep her voice calm as she resumes speaking.

She can understand feeling helpless, but. But.]

How did you feel, when I was missing in the tunnels and you didn't know where I was?

[She still hasn't heard, of course, that Milla told everyone where her and Sei were.]

[ceded]

... Natalie, I ... thought you were dead.

[ This part is said ... carefully, with her eyebrows drawn up and tight together. ]

Milla told us what happened, and ... that you and Seizaburo gotten pulled down by those skeletons. We hoped that you would somehow survive, but...

[ She hadn't really had any faith. Not till she heard a soft and desperate voice beneath the floorboards.

Xion looks away. ]

It was ... the worst feeling in the whole world.

[robitussin]

Yeah. The worst feeling in the world.

[It makes sense to her. She's wondering why she didn't guess until now that Milla told everyone, but really, that response is just what she wanted. Not because she's glad the younger girl was worried about her, of course, but because it gives her a good point to work from.]

You had to have known that it was dangerous, after what happened to Jason and Shinnosuke. You could have died, and before you say it, I know you didn't. That isn't the point. Do you know how everyone would have felt it that happened?

[ceded]

[ She opens and closes her mouth more than once, trying to answer, to fight back.

In the end, she says absolutely nothing. No excuse, no argument, no apology. She just looks away. ]

[robitussin]

[If anything, that stirs up even more negative emotion. Once she's certain she isn't going to respond, her voice rises, her words sharp and frustrated.]

Don't ignore me!

[ceded]

I'm not, [ she says, aching and soft in contrast to Natalie's volume. ] I just don't know what to say. I still don't have a good answer for you.

[robitussin]

[She shakes her head, running her hand through her hair. She'd sworn to keep calm, but she feels her temper leaving her at an alarming rate all the same.]

Forget why you did it, then. Did you think, even for a second, about telling me so I could at least help you not get yourself hurt, or worse?

[ceded]

.... I thought if I told anyone, they'd stop me.

[ There's a softness to her voice. This isn't the first time she's had those words said to her. ]

I ... know it's hypocritical, but I wouldn't have wanted you to get hurt even worse.

[robitussin]

And you didn't think the fact that they would stop you might mean that this was, I don't know, a fucking horrible idea?

[There's anger in her voice, but there's disappointment too, raw and aching.]

I thought you were smarter than that.

[The way she regrets that as soon as she says it is evident in her face, but she buries it away nonetheless. She can't bring herself to apologize, not now.]

[ceded]

[ She doesn't look upset by the insult. In fact, she hardly reacts.

She just looks sad. ]

Back home, I risked a lot more than this to get answers. I don't regret what I did. What I regret is...

[ It takes her a long moment, but she looks up at Natalie. ]

... making you and everyone who cares about me upset. I'm really sorry, Natalie.

[robitussin]

It's not about me. It's about...

[She pauses, to take a breath and to stitch together everything she's thinking so she can vocalize it well.]

It's about how you need to start realizing that you're more important than whether or not we can get into a goddamn building, okay?

[ceded]

I...

[ There's something different, about being told it's okay to want to survive, and being told you're important. ]

I want to live, Natalie. [ It's a very raw admission, said only just above a whisper. ] I don't want ... to go away anymore.

[robitussin]

Then you can't do anything like this again.

[It's said quickly. There's a thick swallow.]

You have to promise me.

[ceded]

... I don't think I could even if I wanted to.

[ Gestures to her leg with a faint, gallows humor. ]

[robitussin]

You know that isn't what I meant.

[But now that she mentions it...]

How does your leg feel? Hannibal gave you stuff for the pain, right?

[ceded]

[ She nods, and lifts a hand to rub at one of her eyes. ]

Yeah. It helps, but it makes me really tired, too.

[ Natalie probably knows. Xion declines to mention that she hasn't slept thanks to all the visitors she's had. ]

Natalie ... I'm sorry, but I can't promise you something like that. If I had to get hurt again to save someone else, I would. [ Defiance threads her voice for just a moment. ] But... I won't try to put myself in harm's way like that again.

[robitussin]

[She's quiet for a long moment. It's not as though she can stop Xion, but...]

Do you remember what I told you, about how we need someone like you to make it to the end so they can save everyone?

[ceded]

[ Her shoulders twitch. It takes her a long moment, but she'll meet Natalie's gaze eventually, uncertain and a little shy. ]

... I remember.

[robitussin]

I'd say that someone who's willing to get herself hurt for someone else's sake is a pretty good choice to be that person. So... Please, Xion.

[There's desperation in her voice. Of course, it's not only because she thinks Xion would save everyone; the idea of ever seeing her dead makes her heart go cold.]

[ceded]

I'm not...

[ ..... ]

I ... I'll try, Natalie. I don't know if that's really the kind of person I can be, but ... I'll try.

[robitussin]

[She lets out a small breath she wasn't aware she was holding, and nods.]

That's enough for me. Thank you.

[ceded]

[ Without anything much further to say, Xion will watch her with something like sadness before tentatively reaching out a hand. Given that Natalie only has one arm left to her name, this might be, in a sense, a lot to ask for. She doesn't even feel like she has the right to ask Natalie to stay.

But maybe she can do this, just for a moment. ]

[robitussin]

[She sees that sadness, and the way Xion wavers before reaching for her hand. Her heart feels tender as she grips her hand and gives it a squeeze.]

I'll be here as long as you want me to.