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[week six - monday]
[ As promised, she'll find him. It's one of her few breaks from either the kitchen or the graveyard today. She's been keeping to herself a lot, though not exactly avoiding people; just ... not going out of her way to find them.
Except, of course, for Shinnosuke. He's become the exception to a lot of things in her life.
She'll wear a smile when she finds him, little though he'll be able to see it, but maybe he can hear it in her voice. Before she even speaks, he'll know her by the now-familiar way she takes his sleeve. ]
Shinnosuke, hey. Are you busy?
Except, of course, for Shinnosuke. He's become the exception to a lot of things in her life.
She'll wear a smile when she finds him, little though he'll be able to see it, but maybe he can hear it in her voice. Before she even speaks, he'll know her by the now-familiar way she takes his sleeve. ]
Shinnosuke, hey. Are you busy?
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[He's quiet for a moment, before taking in a breath. There's so much to risk with this, but... he wants to believe that he can trust her.]
Xion. If he and I had opposing ideas, whom would you choose to believe in: me or him?
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Why ... would he ask her something like that?
Finding her fingers curling up tight into fists without even realizing it, Xion swallows and stares at the pew in front of them for a long, quiet moment, feeling more torn than perhaps she's felt since she got here. He's asking her to choose, definitively, between two of the people she trusts most. Two of the people she cares about most. It is so much more impossible than he could begin to realize. Dr. Lecter has looked after her since the very beginning. He and Natalie were the first two people to really encourage her to start thinking of her own life as being something worth valuing. She once fell asleep with her hand in his, feeling safe.
Dr. Lecter never found her in a store and attacked her just in the hopes that she'd leave him alone.
... ]
... I really do think ... that he cares about me. But...
[ This person beside her ... has become so much of her world. It wasn't Dr. Lecter who was with her and calmed her shaking when she was hysterical over the thought of killing a friend. It hasn't been Dr. Lecter working with her, talking to her, making theories and trying to figure this place out. Dr. Lecter takes care of her. But Shinnosuke ... walks with her.
She hates this. She hates this. But if it's Shinnosuke ... he wouldn't ask her something like this without a reason. She has to believe in that. ]
... I trust you, [ she breathes. ] More than anything.
[ ... ]
But why...?
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... Anything I say here—you can't repeat back to him. Understood? If you do, then there's a chance that I—or other people that you and I care about—will die.
[And it's rare for him to even admit to caring, but hopefully it'll demonstrate to Xion just how serious he is.]
Got it?
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Once, she asked him if she could walk beside him, and his answer was okay. It's time to repay that faith. ]
I understand. I promise, Shinnosuke. [ Very somber herself. For this and for many reasons, she understands the stakes. ]
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There's no going back now.]
First off, exactly how much do you know about the Deputy role? All of its duties?
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[ Now is when she starts to frown, and one of her hands will find his arm. Her touch is a question. ]
I don't. I was never able to find out.
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But if she's lying, then perhaps this is his downfall, for trusting her.]
First off, I suspect that they're one of the roles where, if they kill someone specific, they win the game. I've already told you what the danger is there.
[If the Deputy is someone who can't be trusted to revive everyone...]
Secondly, they have a choice: each week, they can choose either to protect someone from being murdered that week... or to put them at greater risk. [...] By placing them in the stocks.
... In other words, there was no need for the stocks to be used at all. The Deputy could've chosen to help us, but instead, from the beginning of the game—starting with Jason—they chose to endanger us and encourage us to kill one another.
What do you make of someone like that?
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[ Her voice is hushed. A great many pieces are coming together.
That he's telling her this within the same breath as asking her if she'll trust him over Dr. Lecter,
threatens to shatter her entire worldview. ]
Someone who puts their own survival first, [ she instantly whispers. Remembering words, so many words, delivered very gently and always with care, but nonetheless.
Strength is to survive. ]
He can't know who the Bounty Leader is, [ she adds, too, since that turns out to be something she knew. She never told Shinnosuke, out of a desire to protect him, but that hardly seems to matter now. Or rather, now seems like when he needs to know, if he didn't already. ] He can't. He'll--
[ Her hand on his arm starts to grip, It's a little tight. ]
Dr. Lecter ... he's the Deputy? He put you and everyone else in danger?
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Please let the way Xion grips him be out of worry, or something like that. Not because she's afraid that he's caught onto something he shouldn't. Please let Xion be trustworthy.]
Dr. Lecter is the Deputy.
[It's not quite confirmed, but it's far more than mere conjecture. At any rate, he'll probably hear soon enough whether or not it's for certain.]
That "nice guy" attitude of his is probably just an act. Even if he didn't have that role... I've talked to other people, and it turns out that he's said a lot of suspicious things. Little things that didn't mean anything in context alone, but... he knows too much, both about this game and how to read people—how to read sociopaths especially. Of course, that could just be because, as it turns out, he used to profile serial killers, but...
Will's also implied that Dr. Lecter's a murderer and a manipulative bastard. [...] And the Sheriff has told someone that the Deputy is the "good guy" while the Bounties are the "bad guys", but that the characters of the chosen people don't necessarily correlate.
... And Dr. Lecter himself told someone that he thinks the Sheriff would pick the opposite kind of people for the Bounties. People who don't like killing, being put in a role that asks for it. Wouldn't it then make sense for the "good guy" role, the Deputy, to be a murderer?
[Now, his voice gets a tad desperate.]
You have to keep all this a secret, Xion. I'm not even supposed to be telling you any of this.
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Everything he'd ever done... seeking her out after trials to pull her into his arms, offering her advice and listening to her troubles, letting himself be led away when she desperately needed someone to talk to...
... was it all ... an act? Has he ever ... really cared about her? It still feels so real. His hand caressing her face, and his arms around her shoulders. His warm voice, always so careful, always so caring.
Always telling her that it was okay to want to survive.
It wasn't until Felix told her the same thing that she even began to start to think something might be wrong. And even then, she'd chalked it up to her grief over Felix being dead clouding her judgment. There was no way Dr. Lecter meant it the same way.
Until it became clear, all at once, that he may really have meant it the same way after all.
It takes her a long few moments. Maybe she cries a little. If she does, her tears are silent and quickly wiped away.
By the time she sits up, she's calm. Just a slightly more broken and mistrusting person than she was a few moments ago. A condition this town has steadily pushed her towards, over and over, with every death and every betrayal.
A deep breath. ]
... I don't know what Dr. Lecter is really like. I guess all this time I've never really known. But we have to keep the Bounty Leader, and everyone else, safe from him and Will. If appearances are what matters to Dr. Lecter so much, then maybe the appearance of wanting to play along will be enough to get him to agree.
[ That last sentence is very, very bitter. ]
I wonder ... if he put you in the stocks because of me. The same week you were chosen, I ...
[ .... ]
I want him to go home, Shinnosuke, [ she says, flat and cold. ] And then I never want to see him again. Don't worry. I won't tell anyone.
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Even he wouldn't be able to bear that without faltering.
He doesn't know what Xion means when she wonders about when he was in the stocks. He's not sure if he wants to.]
... Talk to Percy, at least. He needs to know that I told you. [A pause, before he laughs bitterly.] Geez, he's going to be pissed off. I seriously wasn't supposed to...
[Why did he? He still doesn't entirely know. Damn it, Percy really is going to be upset with him.
Slumping a tad and leaning forward, he continues, more quietly.]
Frankly, I thought you were the Deputy at first. Then, that it was Dr. Lecter and he was using you. [...] That was... part of why I kept warning you. Not to let yourself be manipulated, I mean.
[This next part, too, is another risk to say, but he feels he has to admit it—even though, again, it may not be for logical reasons.]
I've lied to you as well. [Perhaps part of his insistence stemmed from his own guilt.] But please believe me when I say that it was never to hurt you, and that everything I've said now is the truth.
[Not all of the truth, but as much as he can give her right now. If it's everything that he knows... that impacts more than just him, and he can't endanger others with his own selfishness.]
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[ She actually laughs, a truly heartbroken sound. ]
He is going to be mad. I'll say I made you tell me, don't worry. He's ... been trying to protect me. I guess now I see why.
[ ... ]
If I'd been the Deputy, I would have tried to protect everyone, [ she whispers, finding herself staring at the ceiling again. ] That's the one thing I've always felt like I could never do. The morning I found out you were in the stocks was ... one of the scariest things I've ever--
[ ..... ]
I know, [ is what she ends up saying, the words a sigh. ] I lied to you, too. Knowing anything about the Bounty Leader could be really dangerous, and I didn't want to put you at risk.
[ There's quiet, for a moment.
Then Xion finally lets go of his arm, but it's only to find his hand, instead. She curls her fingers through his, gentle as anything, and finally leans her head on his shoulder, actually made somewhat easier by the fact that he's leaning forward. There, and only there, will she shut her eyes.
This might be one of the only places she can really feel safe anymore. ]
I trust you. [ Now her voice is a whisper as she reaffirms those words. ] I'm with you till the very end, Shinnosuke.
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[It might be a surprise to Xion—it's a surprise to Shinnosuke—but when she finishes speaking, when she takes his hand and leans on him, he lets out a choked laugh, the energy fleeing his body. (He can't cry, not since the damage to his eyes, but he almost wants to.) It's such a relief, to be told that.
He thought she might hate him. That she might never trust him again.
He wasn't sure what he would do, if that happened.]
... I think Seizaburo might've been a Bandit that week. He's probably why I'm still alive.
[...]
Thank you.
[Not to Sei, though he supposes that he should thank her too, if he gets the chance.
But to Xion, for being with him until the end. Telling her might've still been a mistake, and he'll have to face Percy's wrath, but until then... if only for this moment, he'll choose to believe.]
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She can't help but think about what it means, her faith in him. She had faith in Hannibal, too. In Sei. In Chane. She has been betrayed over and over and over, been forced to dramatically readjust how it is she even sees other people.
She wants to believe Shinnosuke doesn't have a role, like he says. That he really is telling him the truth right now. That he cares for her, that he really does trust her, that he isn't doing this to manipulate her into a false sense of security so he can turn around and, perhaps quite literally, stab her in the back.
All she can do is believe. Maybe once, just once, she won't have her heart broken.
In the end, all she does is hum a very gentle mhm, still holding his hand and leaning against him. She knows they should keep going, name more names and discuss the problems and the challenges, but she's kind of still reeling. They can return to this later. ]
Can we stay here for a while?
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There's so much to dread (Percy's reaction being one of them; he has no justification for this), so much to worry about. Still, the exhaustion has caught up with him. He chides himself for it, because he shouldn't be so weak, and yet, he still is.]
... Yeah, sure.
[As always, he should push her away. He shouldn't let her get close. As always, though, he can never bring himself to go all the way. He's fairly certain that whatever she feels for him, it's not requited, but...
This is the cost of loneliness, in the end.]