[week four - tuesday]

[ceded]

[ It's really the events of yesterday that set this off.

Or... maybe it started earlier? Maybe she's been thinking about it since that conversation last week...

It's given her a lot to think about. And a lot to think that maybe she's overthinking. She's heard so many definitions of the concept of love and still hasn't the slightest idea of how to apply any of them to herself. It still seems so unreal, so unattainable, so ... human.

But then, what is ... this?

So anyway, she needs her dad. So Tuesday evening she goes to find him, feeling quiet and pensive, though she's not upset. (Not like she was yesterday, after the news came down of who got exploded this week.) ]

Dr. Lecter? [ She'll even smile a little, so at least whatever's bothering her isn't an emergency. ] Sorry to bother you... are you busy?

[ She does feel a little guilty for just ... bothering him like this all the time. Or rather... it feels like she takes so much from him, with so little to offer.

Which ... gives her something of an idea, once he (hopefully) agrees. ]

Comments

[sating]

[ Truly, what a surprise that Hannibal is in the kitchen. It's the go-to place to find him, since even though it's well past dinner time, Hannibal is still busily working. That's often the case, since he enjoys making everything truly from scratch, and that also means a fair amount of preparation beforehand. Despite all of the circumstances surrounding the town, other than the end of the week... Hannibal tends to be afforded a lot of free time. So why not cook as if he had nothing else to do?

...At least, minus the repeated injuries he keeps patching up. But that makes this almost stress relief more than anything else.

Tonight, he's working on some kind of filling or fruity, (and alcoholic, based on the bottle of brandy) concoction, since he has an assortment of cherries that he's carefully and artfully placing in a jar along with things like cinnamon and other spices. He's carefully arranging them, since it seems that even in preparation, he can't do things like a reasonable person. Though of course, as soon as Xion enters, he looks up from his work in curiosity. ]

Good evening, Xion. [ He greets her first, then looks to his ~art~ in progress before back to her with a smile ] Not with anything important, no. Is there something you need?

[ceded]

Oh!

[ Wow. Xion ... well, she can't move quickly anymore, but she still moves over towards him aglow with curiosity over whatever it is he seems to be doing. ]

Wow... that looks really amazing! What is it? [ She tilts her head up at him, and though her smile is small, it's still a smile. ] Well, I wanted to ask you something. But we can stay here! I want to see what you're going to make.

[sating]

Brandied spiced cherries. I'd like to make tarts with them, but for a truly delicious filling, I make it by hand, which also means it needs to sit for a while. The cherries will soak up the flavor of the brandy and the cinnamon over a week or so. I tend to prefer buying cherries fresh... But as I'm limited in my pantry, this will have to do.

[ Truly, a tragedy that he can't by his locally grown, organic cherries where he could know the specific tree they came from. Yes, he is That Pretentious.

But with her permission to stay here, he returns to his delicate work. He's visually focused on the cherries and how to place them, but from his tone, it's clear his real focus is on her. ]

What did you want to ask?

[ceded]

[ Her mouth is a little o of curiosity and wonder as he explains. It sounds so ... cool. That's not a good word, but she's not got the greatest vocabulary for things like that. Hannibal has taught her more about food than she could have thought was possible or even existed.

Xion will find a seat, and draw it up so she can hop into it and still face Hannibal. Her walking stick gets balanced across her lap, and she braces her elbows on it so she can rest her chin in her palms as she watches him. ]

You sort of make food sound like science, [ she says, with a laugh. ] It's really cool.

[ She'll lift her head from her hands and glance down at the floor when he asks, looking ... thoughtful. ]

How did you know you were in love with Will?

[ that's an oddly specific question ]

[sating]

It absolutely is. At the very least, some disciplines came from wanting to improve and understand food. I would at least argue that some of the basis of chemistry came from manufacturing liquor. It is still an art, of course, but there is basis there.

[ He definitely prefers to think of it as an art, though. Science wouldn't have him arranging the ingredients in the jar just for aesthetic's sake, and presentation is just as important so far as he's concerned. Though the preparation does stop briefly at Xion's question. He looks up, blinks a few times in his surprise, but he smiles as he returns to his work. ]

That's not what I expected you to ask.

[ He comments on that idly, and there's a slight tone in his voice that clearly asks why, but it goes unsaid as he instead explains. It comes very easily for Hannibal, because it's not like he's been #obsessed with Will for the past seven years or so. ]

I had an inkling from the first time we met, to be quite honest with you. Love at first sight still seems like something strange, but the connection was immediate. At least for me. Will was far slower. But—

[ He makes a thoughtful noise, and as he lapses into a silence, his expression looks warm and wistful. He remembers the girl in the field that he had mounted on the stag's antlers. The look of her dying, but more importantly, his own curiosity. He'd already seen and heard of Will's unique gift, but he wondered just how far it could extend. Would Will see this as it was? A gift, so perfectly wrapped that he would be able to see the face of the man he was actually pursuing as a contrast to Hannibal's art?

He had, as it turned out. But what Hannibal had only wondered, hoped for, was that Will Graham had also seen the Chesapeake Ripper for the first time. As no one else had seen him. ]

—The way Will sees the world-- For the first time, I felt seen. Not in parts, but as if my soul were laid bare for him to see in all my virtues and my vices. That was the first time. It's difficult for me to put into words. But I believe a concrete answer would be when I thought Will had been murdered. The relief I felt when I saw him alive... I couldn't doubt that what I was feeling was love at that point.

[ceded]

[ His surprise gets a kind of crooked smile, but she won't interject with anything just yet. Just listens, at first watching him and then letting her gaze fall to the ground. In a way, it all still feels so remote. The way Hannibal talks about Will is more like something from a story, or a... fairy tale than something that sounds really real. Love at first sight sounds even stranger. How can you love someone just by looking at them?

That one she lets go, as she has a feeling she might just be overthinking it, as she tends to do.

I felt seen.

The mention of Will nearly?? getting murdered?? does get her to look up again in surprise, though since Will seems to have survived, she's not upset. At least this way Hannibal will be able to see the slight shift of her expression when he says something about feeling relief. It is a little bit like something clicking into place. ]

... I've heard so many different things about what love is. Not just from you and Will.

[ That it's "something more" than a best friend. That it's thinking about someone non-stop. That the person you love will be "everything" to you. That you'll think of them as soon as you wake up every morning.

It all still sounded unbelievable to her until a few days ago, when her perspective on all of it began to shift. Xion presses one hand flat to her chest, fingers splayed, like if she holds them wide enough she can catch all this feeling and bottle it up. ]

I still don't think this is love. And besides...

[ That hand on her chest moves to curl around the back of her neck, her tiny smile rather hangdog as she glances off to one side. ]

I don't think he'll feel the same way.

[ haha

whoops. ]

[sating]

[ He's assuming that her interest here is more the same of what they've talked about in the past and what Hannibal has explained, but as soon as Xion says "I don't think this—" Hannibal looks up from his work. His expression is one of open curiosity, but it shifts into a warm smile that reaches to his eyes. ]

Oh? Have you found someone you're fond of, Xion?

[ He's definitely less shotgun dad and more playfully intrigued by her bringing it up now. ]

[ceded]

[ Ah. Immediately she goes a bit pink, still glancing away, but now she's tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, as shy and sweet as you might ever see. The smile that flickers across her face is sad, though. ]

... I think so, [ she murmurs, soft and warm and a bit resigned. ] But there's no way he'll feel the same. Even if he did, he'd still probably try and push me away.

[ Xion straightens up a little, her smile embarrassed and a little guilty and, well, nothing like happy, exactly. ]

I thought feeling like this was something that would ... never happen for me. But in a place like this ... is there really a point? [ Her smile fades into something pinched. ] When either of us could get killed at any time...?

[sating]

[ Hannibal seems nothing short of delighted for her, though as is always the case, he expresses it softly. He's smiling easily, pleased for her, but even this runs cool. ]

Well, there is something to be said for finding love in the strangest of places. We never know when or where it will strike us. You have simply have had it strike you at a more difficult time than others.

[ He returns to his work at this point, though he continues speaking smoothly. ]

Before I give you my opinion, what do you think, Xion? Is it worth pursuing?

[ceded]

[ Xion shifts in small degrees; the word for her movements would be fidgeting if only it were a little more pronounced. As it is she seems to be making a conscious effort to keep herself contained.

Her smile stays on her face, but it's still something sad. ]

... no. [ softly. She grips her walking stick in both hands and tilts her head back to stare thoughtfully at the ceiling. ] He's the kind of person who... takes the game really seriously, and probably won't trust anyone, even if he wants to. Something like ... this-- [ she lays her hand on her chest ] --he'd probably say it was foolish.

I guess it's sort of ... bittersweet. [ She actually laughs, just once. ] To feel something like this, but ... not to be able to do anything with it.

[sating]

[ He glances up at her briefly, but his eyes return to his work quickly, though his smile twists up wryly. He shouldn't tease, especially considering the grave circumstances surrounding her crush, but he can't help it. He hopes that the lightness—treating it like it's normal—might give her some relief. ]

So Jason or Shinnosuke, if I were to make a guess?

[ Even though one of them named the town Whole Ass and the other one basically sticks a sign on his back that says "just kill me" every week at the trial... He can tell they take it seriously. ]

i cant believe im using blushy icons in a thread with hannibal lecter please kill me

[ceded]

[ Way to be direct, Hannibal. That produces a guilty start, the tips of her ears turning pink. For a moment she just kind of sits on his (disturbingly accurate) guess, looking very thoughtful. ]

You know, I hadn't thought about how much they had in common until you said that. Jason's a lot nicer than Shinnosuke, though.

[ A beat and, somewhat sheepishly: ]

It's not Jason.

[ why does she like the jerk

the eternal mystery ]

:')

[sating]

And most people are nicer than Will. We can hardly control who captures our interest and affection.

[ So, truly, he gets having shit taste... For everything about Hannibal's manners, hobbies, and literally everything else, Will would seem like a terrible match. And yet. ]

You could still pursue it, you know. There is much to gain and little to lose.

[ceded]

[ She looks a little miserable, swinging her good leg idly. ]

Unless he decides to never talk to me again because of it. [ A beat, and: ] I don't think he'd really do that. But ... I guess I feel bad. Like ... I'll be pushing something on him he doesn't want.

[sating]

...Well, I may not be the best case to warn you against that. Will did not talk to me for three years.

[ He shrugs, though it's with a wry, warm smile. Hannibal remembers it fondly, but Will himself or any outsider to the situation absolutely wouldn't. But as the conversation isn't about Will and Hannibal, he moves on. ]

But if you worry about that, then you will have to make your feelings known. It is frightening, of course. But you will know where you stand.

[ceded]

... three years ...?

[ Wow. She can't even picture that kind of time. Hannibal must have really loved him to be that dedicated.

Xion glances up at him again, frowning uncertainly. ]

What if it's better to just ... keep being friends? Even when everything's awful, or when I'm really upset... I feel better like I'm with him. Like ... I really can keep going, no matter how bad things are. I don't want to mess that up.

[sating]

[ He nods ]

It is a possibility, certainly. Expressing your feelings can be a danger to that, in a way. It is why Will and I spent three years apart, after all. He did not accept my feelings at the time.

[ Which is... technically true, but still incredibly misleading as to what actually happened, as with many of Hannibal's anecdotes. ]

It may be better. But you may also have your feelings fester in your chest, unable to express them because of fear of loss. Neither is ideal. But they are the prices that must be weighed.