ceded | [week four

[ It's really the events of yesterday that set this off.

Or... maybe it started earlier? Maybe she's been thinking about it since that conversation last week...

It's given her a lot to think about. And a lot to think that maybe she's overthinking. She's heard so many definitions of the concept of love and still hasn't the slightest idea of how to apply any of them to herself. It still seems so unreal, so unattainable, so ... human.

But then, what is ... this?

So anyway, she needs her dad. So Tuesday evening she goes to find him, feeling quiet and pensive, though she's not upset. (Not like she was yesterday, after the news came down of who got exploded this week.) ]

Dr. Lecter? [ She'll even smile a little, so at least whatever's bothering her isn't an emergency. ] Sorry to bother you... are you busy?

[ She does feel a little guilty for just ... bothering him like this all the time. Or rather... it feels like she takes so much from him, with so little to offer.

Which ... gives her something of an idea, once he (hopefully) agrees. ]

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[ He's assuming that her interest here is more the same of what they've talked about in the past and what Hannibal has explained, but as soon as Xion says "I don't think this—" Hannibal looks up from his work. His expression is one of open curiosity, but it shifts into a warm smile that reaches to his eyes. ]

Oh? Have you found someone you're fond of, Xion?

[ He's definitely less shotgun dad and more playfully intrigued by her bringing it up now. ]

[ Ah. Immediately she goes a bit pink, still glancing away, but now she's tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, as shy and sweet as you might ever see. The smile that flickers across her face is sad, though. ]

... I think so, [ she murmurs, soft and warm and a bit resigned. ] But there's no way he'll feel the same. Even if he did, he'd still probably try and push me away.

[ Xion straightens up a little, her smile embarrassed and a little guilty and, well, nothing like happy, exactly. ]

I thought feeling like this was something that would ... never happen for me. But in a place like this ... is there really a point? [ Her smile fades into something pinched. ] When either of us could get killed at any time...?

[ Hannibal seems nothing short of delighted for her, though as is always the case, he expresses it softly. He's smiling easily, pleased for her, but even this runs cool. ]

Well, there is something to be said for finding love in the strangest of places. We never know when or where it will strike us. You have simply have had it strike you at a more difficult time than others.

[ He returns to his work at this point, though he continues speaking smoothly. ]

Before I give you my opinion, what do you think, Xion? Is it worth pursuing?

[ Xion shifts in small degrees; the word for her movements would be fidgeting if only it were a little more pronounced. As it is she seems to be making a conscious effort to keep herself contained.

Her smile stays on her face, but it's still something sad. ]

... no. [ softly. She grips her walking stick in both hands and tilts her head back to stare thoughtfully at the ceiling. ] He's the kind of person who... takes the game really seriously, and probably won't trust anyone, even if he wants to. Something like ... this-- [ she lays her hand on her chest ] --he'd probably say it was foolish.

I guess it's sort of ... bittersweet. [ She actually laughs, just once. ] To feel something like this, but ... not to be able to do anything with it.

[ He glances up at her briefly, but his eyes return to his work quickly, though his smile twists up wryly. He shouldn't tease, especially considering the grave circumstances surrounding her crush, but he can't help it. He hopes that the lightness—treating it like it's normal—might give her some relief. ]

So Jason or Shinnosuke, if I were to make a guess?

[ Even though one of them named the town Whole Ass and the other one basically sticks a sign on his back that says "just kill me" every week at the trial... He can tell they take it seriously. ]

[ Way to be direct, Hannibal. That produces a guilty start, the tips of her ears turning pink. For a moment she just kind of sits on his (disturbingly accurate) guess, looking very thoughtful. ]

You know, I hadn't thought about how much they had in common until you said that. Jason's a lot nicer than Shinnosuke, though.

[ A beat and, somewhat sheepishly: ]

It's not Jason.

[ why does she like the jerk

the eternal mystery ]

And most people are nicer than Will. We can hardly control who captures our interest and affection.

[ So, truly, he gets having shit taste... For everything about Hannibal's manners, hobbies, and literally everything else, Will would seem like a terrible match. And yet. ]

You could still pursue it, you know. There is much to gain and little to lose.

[ She looks a little miserable, swinging her good leg idly. ]

Unless he decides to never talk to me again because of it. [ A beat, and: ] I don't think he'd really do that. But ... I guess I feel bad. Like ... I'll be pushing something on him he doesn't want.

...Well, I may not be the best case to warn you against that. Will did not talk to me for three years.

[ He shrugs, though it's with a wry, warm smile. Hannibal remembers it fondly, but Will himself or any outsider to the situation absolutely wouldn't. But as the conversation isn't about Will and Hannibal, he moves on. ]

But if you worry about that, then you will have to make your feelings known. It is frightening, of course. But you will know where you stand.

... three years ...?

[ Wow. She can't even picture that kind of time. Hannibal must have really loved him to be that dedicated.

Xion glances up at him again, frowning uncertainly. ]

What if it's better to just ... keep being friends? Even when everything's awful, or when I'm really upset... I feel better like I'm with him. Like ... I really can keep going, no matter how bad things are. I don't want to mess that up.

[ He nods ]

It is a possibility, certainly. Expressing your feelings can be a danger to that, in a way. It is why Will and I spent three years apart, after all. He did not accept my feelings at the time.

[ Which is... technically true, but still incredibly misleading as to what actually happened, as with many of Hannibal's anecdotes. ]

It may be better. But you may also have your feelings fester in your chest, unable to express them because of fear of loss. Neither is ideal. But they are the prices that must be weighed.

[week four - tuesday]

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i cant believe im using blushy icons in a thread with hannibal lecter please kill me

:')

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